A letter from May 12th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Well to start off there is a whole pandemic going on so that means we can’t leave the house and even if we could you know mom would not let us go out. Right now I’m 13 in the 8th grade my life has been a little crazy if I do say so my self. When we first moved here I felt like I didn’t belong I still feel like that but everything got worse in my view my mom and dad started fighting more I lost my grandpa and to be honest I felt nothing when that happened but I didn’t know the guy so I just sat there feeling alone but I always feel alone so that’s not new then a couple of weeks later my emotions hit me like a truck then school has me all stressed out and there are some times that I feel nothing like no one matters to me anymore in that time and I barely have the motivation to get out of bed now I feel like my days are blending into one and time is going by slow so I just sleep the day away and wake up at 4 pm and every time I’m with family I feel left out like I don’t belong and never will belong it just ******* sucks that on one notices how much pain I’m in but that’s my fault right I should say something but I don’t because I want to bother people with my problems and feelings I always put others in front of me and I like to help because that is the only thing to make me I’ve been thinking I give and give to people my time and get nothing in return I can’t carry this anymore I feel so empty all the time and I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want to bother them with my problems they said your parents are supposed to take your pain away but mine give me pain and that’s all I can feel at this point I realize that I am scared to love someone in fear of getting my heartbroken even though I’m almost broken and don’t want to be fully there yet cause once your broken it’s hard to repair your self I don’t know where my life will take me and I’m scared about what it might look like and I don’t want to end up like Ashley I feel like my dad might have a little feeling that I will end up like her and I want all that doubt to be gone love can’t fix you I don’t really believe in love at the moment and I don’t think I will at all because all it is someone being broken by some one you love and being out back together just so they can leave you and leave you worse than you before and your lucky if you don’t get your heart broken that’s hard to find now a days really hard and to put out all that trust in a relationship that may be one sided or for them to just cheat lie or hurt you I don’t want that and I’m just scared that if I fall in love that can hurt me to no end where I can’t be put back together I just don’t want to be some ones second choice or last or not one at all but I guess it just happens I think love is more harmful that drugs it can get you addicted , leave you nothing ,and leave you with lot of regret but some people think it’s worth it I think it’s not those three words mean nothing today they say “I love you “ is a big thing to say in a relationship but that say it and I can mean nothing to them and I mean nothing to where you thing you can’t live anymore with out them there’s nothing worse then love trust is everything in a relationship it is basically built on that but they can lie about so much and you will stay until it’s to late to leave I’m just tried of feeling like I’m not worth it but then again I’m not so I’m always going to feel that way people can come in out of you life and you will some times let them which is what hurts you the most and the feeling like your nothing and holding back tears in 1-3rd period is normal for you and you hide it so well that people don’t ask but when they see it you tell them your fine those to words they tear you apart inside when you tell them that I’m stead of saying your okay but some times it’s to late and there gone but people don’t care about you enough to ask so you keep it in like it never happened and you have this secret you can’t say because it tear your family a part and ruin some ones life and you can’t tell if it’s a dream so that’s is what scares you to not say anything thing about it and thought it was normal that it happens I’m just so tired of putting on a mask for other people to make them happy and I thought how can you fix others when you your the one that needs help but you don’t want to burden anyone with your problem so you hold it all in until you break in front of your best friends at a sleep over at 2:00am that was like three months ago but I promise myself to keep it in because it makes me feel weak my week has been **** and I’m so close to breaking and I don’t know what to do I’m the strong friend so every one thinks I’m okay but it is what it is i don’t know how long I can say I’m okay for so long. all most as week ago my dad all most got arrested for something that he could avoid but he chose to keep it going and on top of that he was drunk again I don’t get it why everything goes to **** when something is good in my life like I can never have a break the part that I hated him the most is that most of the time he gets him self in these situation my mom cried her self to sleep because of this it’s been a long time since I wrote I here so here it goes I at a family thing and I feel so out of place like every one is doing some thing in a group having fun and I’m just trying to escape this feel of loneliness and pain of feeling out of place I think some times if I would be gone they won’t notice a thing I just want to belong to some one and feel like I’m not just a burden to them and that they want me there I just want to disappear and never be found again or just run away and start new again we’re I don’t know anyone there but I guess I can’t even get that I just want to feel again and I use alcohol to numb the pain as long as I can but it all comes back eventually but I am making this so one day I can see how far I have come along in 4years and to see if I live another day to see this letter. Ps.i know this letter is every where I am not good at writing