A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Dan ear nw,o my ot 21ts hatt fiel supide ltere,t) my ni ’im oyu hgcedna (woh ni eclopmltey 32 yrae inltakg wdno. Teh stbe ryea feli adn ti rotsw aws of ym. Cptah sa a‘omdsny’ oging horuhgt tgaer weer 2st1 ym my guroh em a wsa etcddhi oe,n we bhaitrdy a tno. Ocem fndiser htem hurottgouh i eb ,reay by oludw it epsetrmbe thiw rgnlubimc ahtt fo yan twl’ndou ownk ayw the teh tltlei onwd idd nad lal i. Kmae ehonug yuo mhtig fro vei’ ror,wy reidc teh htta ton’d etpsu, bhot tbu or sohck ,yuo of us. And at’nre yhet elpope ttah i to hawt nwat eesm eimmotess lla you ,wnok. Hkint myna ndd’ti aer eary htat oyu lresiae roudna ujst ehert hatt thta ear nilut os ym tpas rmof leopep ti t2s1 fo eonrsa aer so solrfeu, teh illtet nntstoylac ew we. I dderppo ’idndt meaebc also ayr,e dtaauerg nad tou lsdciaiu isnleyten atth i. A i nad not i my hhrgout noti to oelv hwo kwno lduow tbu moeosne otg ppdseil it aelb rfo dt’idn i ygao… woh vlei iuwotht htiw elfi pu odnuenwf nde gneib. Rou ilmlhtce. Elif ctypomeell h’se shti hrgti hes thta mih me, dlouw gdnchea in no you drw,lo si nda ngvheytrei ym stuj ecrevstepip vleo. .
My tuigaangdr atref em, ugohth niu ujyl ned did ryae a 0232 ni ewnt aeutadrdg i 1:2 i a eray kcba up dna 21ts i ffo iwth in. Os ouy oluwd eb pordu. Udpor ma os i. Dndee of a sfirt ’tis portenipce :) itdtnroisaes i hte ym ,dtea cvimetehane nnocsiegllu gisbetg wsa igbne mskar ffo my nda to n,o on dan up a ewf.
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Eenb uto sebt a and nvogmi igvnil tiwh tsi’ llch,etim tub iencsodi up i dr,ei eerv dnede eht. Dna asw yra,e a a iedtatnoisrs radngad nda rhtu, ni lot fo ti rtgih lmdied ti died alts gintirw my the sokhc. Wklocd,no d’cltuno btu ot otu hwsi itno cemo aetrf hotsnm emh,o i htta imh i a you uyo adh ouy atfer dna olepcu nwayay t,lreet wtroe ot og you adn of go see lla he a letl hmi ludoc ta isivt. Bad rvseuien ’otdn lefe hsa hte kown (i )wlil, so rouy bcka oyu.
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I luodc siwh ouy hreste that i tinsgh etll. Fo who am i uoy klei udrpo. The i otnmem was to owh ouy i etalr in reays isetadn 4 of krendi whsi. Sempiro i tbu hgeanli am i u,oy. Hatn hoste morf ealh mfyels iedrkn trpas ot dan ew i uor of ildhc ma inadwr ,eikl no leha to swa bebdor i ot nowgikr ma niren veer ehva dot’n mfysel niegb us i erufslo e,nbe ttah. Phdeel oru mongip e(sy r!ett)!le, nlyrcrteu as well pnwhsee tbi letlit adn nda eahv i enwspeh yruo odnuf cesein am a we i’m twiring atre’n as ew on,w on t13h 4 adn retaf ybthradi a bueseca htsi errhbto ggnio hisgnt thigr out di’. Gnkwroi ubt i on is negmoshit that ma. On obeidsuarn we i ’nodt stih hatt os ruht aoynerm lefe am wgrnkoi. Oru tpoitcsnaexe epseplo of era it to uros otn ldea nto ohert ohld to hiwt s,u is yeth yopnisirselitb. A eyou’r dna oihlndg fo i atht lto kwon. Nowd nellitg hteso stnhgi kyoa i’st tpu i’m to uoy. Uyo elvo t’si pepole to ipsitoadnp oaky. Ruyso ’ist ton sbcaeue i’st e,fil htire. Ahwt to and uhlods aiatcycp uroy teh oen nto ceeusba no dlno’tuhs else yuo ash ngiilv goind ’hyreet ltle efil be oyu. Lla to awth that esrosiccase rae uryo ear ewnsteiss ehyt ot odgni tleiray e’yrou. Thinngo sarttem me. Avhe hvea paehpdn,e dlowu bk,ac ul’ehodvs if reunesiv the will uyor it ti. Omfr hnvt’ae adn dincossei prsioem hatt ayn eamd ftirs huhgrto i i hkinitng ltclihem aar(pt it uyo lyflu oiuhtwt. . Lo?e)v who anc ighft aesuc. Eht nerdfsi onkw nto ibgne su on i eb all onyamds lerett fo tuo of htiw ’uloyl xdhyipfretea tihs. Oyu singht cat’n tub thsi ofrce ni fiel. Ti ythe nwok ont rof het’yer su, wree gdoo oerht for btu nto ache on’dt odog eyht. Ahnt so humc evlo and hwat dna ear ervecedi gvnei of uyo cumh ttbeer uoy so weer het eytp are dan mroe ortwh uyo frnipsedih. Wdarwka but ot ldeawol pdsfrihein htreo ryou aktact an ou,t to asnoyeritlp wsa het asy to dan seceabu hyte ocem i mdelba nthe us ti the edn ihws bgine on towiuht )em shnigt thwa hnew i soche too ruo luodc to ti rea ,snoymad htye lfweodlo na wh(ich tcu is nde. Vuyo’e ouy hwrot lkei of rteeatd cbaeuse t’eehyv nhew rae r’oyue enon teh eht iesssnnta rtwho atubo dan with ltso ,wrldo hiiknngt not ouy lla ubt oeppel si ear. And ,you ryowht ely,fsm the snpde inbge ym i to ni ndtnie ysda rufteu us of.
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’im rosyr,.
Sleape ,me virgeof.
,yuo katnh.
Voel i ouy.
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Lvo,e.
X me raye 32 dlo.

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Letter Author:

about 1 month ago

Dear 19 and 23 Year old me,

I am now 25, and life has been quite the whirlwind. I cannot even explain to either of you what the few years that have now passed me will do to your life and sense of self, how absolutely turned upside down your life will get. It has truly been an experience that I will never be able to explain.

I am now engaged. And I am terrified as for this summer I have developed into more of you when I was 19 than you when I was 23. I have become freer, child-like, extroverted, chatting constantly. But with that comes all the things you struggled with that I somehow forgot; the anxiety, sadness and wondering what would've happened if something else went different. I have met some people that I wish I could have in my life 24/7 this summer, and some of them I will try to be friends with for as long as the universe will let me. But one thing to remind all three of us is: just because somethings new and exciting and different, does not make it better or worth throwing away your life for. Trust me.

I have been struggling for the past few weeks, with the same thoughts that plagued me when I was 19. I am slowly letting them go, for who am I without my own love for myself? I promise you both, and future me that I am trying. Believe me when I say that I am in an incredibly better situation and mindset than I have been my whole life. But sometimes these waves of depression ebb and flow and that's just how life is. But as our new friend T has said to me this week: "an ebb is coming, I can absolutely promise you that. We are stronger than our thoughts".

This ache in my chest will go away soon I am sure of it, and in another 2, 3, 5 years when I come across this again, this will be different as life always is. Life will be different next week, or the next month or even tomorrow. You can never know where life is going to take you.

I love you both dearly, someone in this world finally knows our biggest secret and I promise you they were the right person to trust with it. You both deserve better, I deserve better too.

Love,
25 year old me x

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