A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Feil to 12st uyo own, ni ym eispud mi’ taht atinklg ndow lert)te, ni nda my o(wh lmycetolep era ryea ganhedc 32. Ebst life it adn fo aws roswt eht reya my. Thcap a ehtdcid radtybhi a grhuhot nosam‘y’d not we me swa 2ts1 gniog reew ym as urohg ym en,o grate. Ifrsnde ndl’wout all iumnglbrc fo guuthotroh way thme lwodu ti be tihw eht nya thta did i itetll wodn r,yae cemo dna by wnok i bspemeetr hte. Rrwo,y of rfo ,upste tohb nto’d ,uoy htat teh ev’i ro htgmi us dreci utb ckhos ohueng ouy amke. Etnra’ emes ot wn,ok uoy that lla lppoee eyth tmesmioes i and nawt hatw. Ttha ndrauo sctaoylnnt itllte teh tath intkh so my htta treeh we rae ,rlseufo it ear rae aynm eeppol yera uyo ujst psta niddt’ t2s1 romf enroas ew of so lasiere inltu. Id’tdn tuo that i nda laos mbceae nseeyintl are,y detagaur suiiclad i pdedpor. To tbu woh bnieg i it voel ewdnfuon ogt dti’dn a ohrghtu oint otwiuht sleipdp nda owh up dlouw my leiv eabl gyao… leif emosone nto thwi wonk fro i den i. Uor mctliehl. Nad tsih ttah elif reitynhgev doulw evlo hrgti hse em, mhi sh’e ,dlrwo my ecndgha no ltlmpoycee tiervppeecs sjut ouy is ni. .
A edn ddi i up ni ffo uylj adn i uoghth retaf a wthi anduagirgt 0232 tgddruaae cabk ,me s2t1 12: ym i yare niu in tewn raye. So be uoy rpuod wodlu. Ma odpru i so. Dna a :) i inaemetvceh of tfirs a to einsasdotitr adte, edend peicoenprt wfe ym dna sgiegbt n,o s’it ym iebng rsakm wsa no off pu teh nllugisoecn.
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T’si omivgn pu r,die tuo eebn bets ,mielcthl i ilngvi noediisc eth vere a dna but hwit needd. Eimldd thru, a shkco swa eht my ddie alts thgir ti it tigniwr a olt riesidstanot ni gaarddn ,eyra fo and nda. Vsiit a out nad ese hme,o sihw odlownc,k ratfe nosmth ’tlcduon he i i ubt lla a to og dah eomc oyu yawnya mhi yuo taht pecolu og etarf mih yuo ta uldoc yuo of adn to oitn etrow llet ltter,e. Nkow dab rsveenui you (i so o’dtn uryo has ),wlil teh kcba fele.
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Hisw thta yuo eetshr oucdl hingst llte i i. I yuo droup ohw fo am kiel. In sraey i who of yuo i otnmem swhi dnaesit swa dikrne ot taelr teh 4. Lianheg o,yu i i emriosp ma btu. Uor nd’to morf ma eevr ot wognirk on krndei lersufo evah i starp wsa taht dbreob yefmsl inner athn yfmsle ee,bn nad rdwian am ot we tohse of elah i lhea to iebng us i dhcli ke,il. Enwpehs el!tret),! gshnti ahev we irhbaytd lwel m’i deleph dna a sye( pngimo on uonfd tuo tltlei subaeec 4 am oury einsce erynclrtu dna sa sa and ruo 13ht tib rtefa ’teanr gngoi ihgrt we a i tsih bthoerr nigtriw w,no enhwsep ’di. Is tbu htta i am hosmintge kgnorwi on. Ttha sith riwgnok ndo’t aymrnoe idbseruona so rtuh i ew ma no leef. Olhd yhte rea iwht ruo dale fo sbtpinieyrsiol ,us coxenptiesat si to ti ours not lepsope not ot teohr. I ’eyrou a adn of lot kown that gdionlh. Tsoeh sigthn dwon kyoa ts’i tup tllenig you ot i’m. Ayok ot it’s oinaidsppt lpopee evlo uoy. Esuebca herit ton t’si fl,ei ’sti syruo. Beueacs dna vgiinl eilf ash ton hdlous ptyacica yee’hrt eels whta lelt be tduhosnl’ uyo ot no uyo eno ryou eth gdnoi. Ayitlre wssitenes oyru lal oidgn cesoecarsis ear athw era ot ot atth tyeh uoe’ry. Onihgtn em esatrtm. Enureivs ti ilwl dnpephea, het olh’udves if have vhea wludo uyor ti k,cab. Hemlticl yflul ti cdnoessii amde eahv’nt and ayn hurgoth rfits emipors rmof i wtuoith uoy tath i hnngkiti ata(pr. . Nca ueacs how gtfih ev?)ol. Lyolu’ be ginbe i no lteetr ton nowk su uot htis of lal extpfeyaridh wiht sdiernf eth of ansyodm. Cta’n feil in iths oyu utb gtsihn erofc. Orf they otn su, cahe htyeer’ gdoo ythe ofr not nkow ogod ’ndot weer it threo btu. Than uoy eth fo ear evlo ettebr omer ahwt wroht mhuc dan epyt riedhsifpn cmhu os nda and ercdeive rae yuo weer so uoy eving. Bnegi ot the ou,t i tuc tsryonaelip i ti come hyte twah si rouy arawkdw wehn oot to dwoleal yeht badlem hecos ned iuhtowt herto rae uro no an ucdlo hiws nda an dne ot to felolowd iidhsrnefp tsighn ndsyaom, aws whcih( us em) it btu tackat hte etnh beescua ysa. Hrwot is aer of hnew ppolee raettde secubae rtwho nda lkei odwlr, era eht eth tisnseans ur’oey oyu tbu htwi yuo ouve’y tkiighnn stol lla ton batuo ’yhvtee noen. Ot fo whtoyr i eml,syf fueutr uo,y denps my sayd eht in us ndetin ginbe nda.
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’im ,roysr.
Me, rfeogiv aepsle.
Ankth o,uy.
Lvoe ouy i.
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L,ove.
Yera x em dol 32.

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