A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Nitagkl ouy atth ym adn 1st2 ot in in w,no 23 ear yare hdncaeg tyoleceplm i’m fiel ndow siepdu et,lt)re my w(oh. Year lfie my nad of eth tbse ti wosrt asw. Adrhiytb ghruo 1t2s tedcihd a egatr nto wsa ’od‘smyan iggon ym ,eno ew as actph hhrotug a my were em. Tmeh yna dwon wya oknw i fdinsre ti tiltle hrtouhugto teh nout’dlw eht dna be iwth dwuol all gucrmibln i ddi ,ayre come fo eemsbterp yb htat. Ogeuhn the ubt idcre of us obht or atht oyu akem tno’d fro o,yu r,ywro i’ev estu,p hmigt shokc. What oesmmties to nwat taht smee i dna eppelo etn’ra teyh all uyo nowk,. Nhtik ehetr oeeplp eary rsleiea os 1s2t annsltctoy tind’d nardou aer yanm teh ew titlel spta mfor lunti aer ym tujs yuo taht rea ew ti o,fsrleu hatt hatt fo os osarne. Abecme taht adn i icdsluai nelniyest otu i pdorpde adtureag ,ayre lsoa di’dnt. Ohw liev a tiuwhto ti lduow nwko leispdp how rof ot oosmene not wtih egbni i and in’tdd lief but i ym tnio nde up i a…yog bael lvoe hghrotu tog weunfond. Clmihlte ruo. Vryeietnhg in yllcoemept rtihg levo she uoy stih on olwud ,me h’se si flie taht rdwol, imh usjt dachnge my isecrepvpet nda. .
Wiht i reya i juyl end did 1:2 3202 in ni utohhg yaer 1st2 ,em abck a uin wnet tedduarga agudtignar i pu my nda a fof tafre. So wodul oupdr eb yuo. Ordup i os ma. Saw n,o cmetnehaiev iertopenpc ngieb titsaiesrdon islncengluo stiebgg ewf my ,aedt ristf nda a :) het smkra ot my a dna no st’i off of dnede i up.
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Dan reve ti’s bnee i igmvno edend tihw lethlmc,i steb up lingiv iednsioc tuo btu ,idre a teh. Kcosh ,yaer tlas dan ni dmilde eidd a my wsa otl a it ti rgiht and gnriiwt irsndaotseti of rht,u nagradd teh. You ocem og all reatf i ese a a nsmtoh uldoc ot htta woert hmi ta swhi nyaywa imh ubt fo oyu i ltel og ftera and dah ouy hm,oe l,teret out ot oitn ouy dna owdnolc,k eulcop u’dctnlo eh tvsii. Isvereun oury os eelf wi)ll, uyo (i het nto’d back sah nwok abd.
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Codlu atht eersht i hwis yuo ighnst i ltel. Rudop keil i oyu owh of am. Fo how aws nrkdei ysera uyo rtlea nmmeot siwh 4 i daisnet ot i in hte. I gilaehn am i yu,o tbu opiemsr. Ot ahtt kwrnoig ma tsapr ma bbdero of was ei,lk us ’tnod ever aehl morf dchil nigbe to luerfso emlsyf wairdn to tahn i i n,bee aelh i on eahv enirn hteso nad we yfelsm dkrnei oru. Esneci no ecubase giogn i shti hidbytra (yes dan we di’ itgrh eephld a ynulrecrt rt)e!t!e,l t13h psnehew nar’et erbhotr avhe nsight mi’ and own, ew ngpoim nad tib itrinwg onfdu our uyor wlel ma 4 etfar sa a eltilt sa wsnephe otu. Tub i ma si neitgsomh knwigor that on. We dno’t kngiwor soeunibdar no yrmonae sthi ttah utrh ma os i efel. Dolh to nto ohert cotxeepinats fo ,su adel it are riietipssylobn ot thwi etyh rosu is uor oleespp not. Tol oknw ohgldni adn i fo a tath eyo’ur. Dnow tup ts’i yaok to hseto uoy ’im nhgsit ntglile. Yuo lppoee veol sdpiotpani i’ts ot oyka. Tehri uysro sit’ ’sit ,leif ont ceuabse. Be oyu dna tno you aptyicca nu’hdltso ash one dluohs to no ’eerhyt letl sebeauc eht ivnigl uroy dgnoi slee thwa lfei. Essswtnie oryu htwa ot era all tyeh atth ot ceaiescsrso noigd itlerya yur’oe are. Ghnnito me astremt. It akb,c snviereu yruo if ovsd’uelh teh aevh woldu llwi aveh it pahe,pnde. Edam fsitr it lfuly apa(rt dna ormf dsciisone i av’then i htorugh any ehitlmcl atth msriepo yuo ktiginnh uiowtht. . Anc ohw )v?leo fghit ceasu. I eb oy’llu eht kwon out iwht us anmdyos lerett fo xyeetphrdaif inerfds htis no of gnbei ton lal. Btu tinsgh lfei uoy ’ncat htis ni rfeco. Tehy ryhete’ it ceha rfo ont btu yhet nto nwok rewe fro ,us ontd’ godo erhot doog. Oevl wtah wree so omre tanh uyo rdcieeve eterbt ouy teh ohtrw of eytp mhuc nad rae nad ivegn dna so uyo fisehidnpr rea hucm. Whis eibng wnhe hnet lpyaintoers sehoc are ti eht atcatk uohttiw ruyo our ot ays duloc rakwwda olwfeold cubease an owadell to i hrdpinfies eocm it is no den m)e tcu thye htero teyh ot i swa ot ,tuo na too ,oasdnym isgtnh bledam us hwat eht nde nad tbu hhw(ic. Trdaeet si owrth neno nssenstai hte ’yoeur fo not like o’yevu lppeeo eth wiht ehteyv’ tub niknhgti hnwe nda hrwot yuo aer slto lla sbaeuce aer uyo wlo,dr ubaot. Intned fo fruetu i adn tyhrwo the negib in to pends su ydsa my uo,y lsy,mef.
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Sro,ry m’i.
Gvirefo spelae ,me.
,oyu ahknt.
Oevl i ouy.
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Eov,l.
32 reay x old me.

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