A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Siudep ycpeloemlt mi’ oyu in dan t2s1 eayr htta (who ot ,won are alntgik my ym tltree), 32 negacdh ni wodn life. Fo ti ym wsa aery srwto iefl nad ebts teh. Hdarbity a ym a ew me ,neo reew houhrtg ton aws dcheidt my oggni sa nm‘ysado’ grohu chpta ts12 gtare. Any i etspmbere sedifnr odnw idd atth itltel i rtooguhtuh ldowtn’u twhi by fo adn it wonk ayw eth eb e,ary ecmo teh dlwou all ulgminbrc thme. You, ro erdic hmgti uohgen hcosk ouy su ofr eakm ’vei thob wr,ory p,utse ’ontd taht of het ubt. En’rat all tehy adn eeolpp mestmeosi kn,ow twah i emse taht to awnt oyu. Ew teh ulitn ti fo ilttle ew atth ym fue,orls oarnse anym ttcnyaolns dt’idn tath knthi ofrm oeeplp 21ts heret so ustj ear nauodr are rae ttha sapt yuo year so ielaesr. Pprdeod alicdsui emaceb eurgadta i dan tuo t’ddni i a,yre lsao eesiytlnn tath. Dluow okwn up i to epdipsl ym ogt eomesno otin ghuhtor dan woh eovl i ealb end i ifle veil ont ewodunnf it htiw goy…a whutoit egnib orf tbu who a intd’d. Our tehmcill. Isth sutj esh nda ld,wor etlpemcoyl eolv hse’ ptesivrceep atth elif my ,em him rheivteyng gitrh nghdaec si ouy wodlu in no. .
Aeyr ym 3220 eatdarudg a bakc ,me :12 enwt ni a i up ffo atnaggrudi s1t2 ni ghhtuo ljyu niu eyar end faetr nda i hitw i did. Orupd so be ouy owlud. Os i pduro ma. Dan eonepcprti ,no lousnilgnec i my risnotsaetid a hte krmas nmihvcteeae tisfr ndede enbgi ist’ aws teda, my eisgtbg :) and of a pu on off to ewf.
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Eerv ier,d edend eenb disocine nda a vmnigo ’sit iwth i pu tou teh clm,lihet tbu tseb ignvli. Hkosc in was iirwgnt a tol ym stnraoitdise adn hte eidd thrgi a nad imdled of it ti adrgand slta thr,u ,arye. At to ’cndlout hmonst vtisi go a you nda dha btu oupcle uoy taht meoc uldoc of all nad eatfr hmi wtore eltl itno i a eh oyu wish ees okwol,ndc ot o,emh artfe aywayn ,etrlet imh uyo otu go i. Sha i( os urvniees bad efle oknw oyur nto’d bkca ouy ilwl), teh.
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Ehetsr swhi htgnis ltle i i ttah ouy coldu. Hwo yuo of i opdru ma leik. Tmonem iwsh i to swa tsaiden fo direnk in eryas 4 uoy artle i owh teh. I am ipemros uyo, tbu i ealhgin. Ofrm ntha mfsely fslyme idclh otnd’ eevr su no ike,l am i atth ot drawni ogiwrkn shtoe gbeni we of asw ot nad oursfle i sprat uro lhea neikdr am nb,ee ot hvae lhae ennir bbdero i. Ew a as rthidaby am t3h1 llwe we bit lttiel erel)t!,t! psnwhee uroy gnoig ceiesn hdpele trghi 4 trne’a uebcase pneswhe rniitwg on ’di trfae im’ oundf i nad rerhobt veah uylnerrct tsih n,wo hnsitg ngmoip oru ys(e as tuo a nad adn. Utb sgetminho am on atth okrwgni i si. Elfe oynmear i deaubinros thta we on rtuh owignrk hsti ma ndo’t so. To rea itwh si fo sour oru tno rlbsytsiniipeo they ot oplseep neitetsacopx dhol lade tno it hetor su,. Htta a of i noglihd dan reouy’ kwon otl. Ohets eitllng tnghsi ayko to is’t nwdo uoy im’ tpu. Dsiopaptni oyu oayk tis’ ot eepopl vloe. Tno cusebae ist’ osryu tis’ trihe iefl,. Neo iglnvi escebau lief no eth yuo ulhosd ltle your cpaytaic eb ont digon uyo ntduhols’ dan twah eeh’try seel to hsa. Eyth uyro ongid all ot taht aer to liaetry are rsaisoseecc esensstiw e’rouy wath. Ohgtnin em tmrstae. Duwlo bkc,a have udhsveol’ it liwl if the ti deeppn,ah oyru aevh ueesrvin. Adem t(apar uyllf dnosiecis ttuoiwh ayn mspoier nad nhigtnik uthhrog frmo i thta i it tllcmhie ouy hetvn’a sirft. . ?e)vol how cesua gihtf nac. Rlttee on i dfrnise ihtw hsit fo teh us eignb nto eb xpeyhtaidefr owkn of uto yndsamo lal l’lyuo. Ubt ’nact eocfr nshitg you sthi iefl in. Fro su, e’heytr wnok htero ontd’ ti ceha doog tno teyh ogdo rfo ythe ewer tbu tno. Inevg fniihdesrp so and dna era erew hwat of elvo orhwt hmcu uoy chmu htna ouy os hte etrteb yuo reom epyt aer dan ceiedvre. Come ctu eth em) isteopanryl they out, ot esoch eibng it twah na ihwuott dulco ucaebse elmdba ysa ot end ktatca hierfpdisn i enth are osndmya, too ti na tbu to aws oealldw wneh rou i wfodlelo to your itnhgs swhi dne dna etroh si hte no heyt dwawakr su w(hcih. Wrtoh yuo hwti eastssnin rea hortw all loppee het yreo’u teh oenn wnhe is not wldor, o’ueyv eubesca aer tteadre khgnitin utb yuo aubto adn lkie tlso teye’vh of. Dsya pdsne eth nteidn ,yuo ohwtry ftreuu gineb of su in i ,yfseml ym dna to.
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Yr,ros im’.
Grofvei epslea ,me.
Knhat u,oy.
I vole ouy.
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Ove,l.
23 eyra em ldo x.

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