A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Rae yrae 23 my in lief ’im ot siepud my w(oh s21t agehdnc uoy wdno ni ilktnga and pceymellto htta e,ltret) o,wn. Feil adn ym fo ti asw teh aery setb swtor. Ew me rgohu st12 ne,o was ym gonig ym ‘aym’ndso not tareg ytbrhadi a rewe as atphc a diechdt grhhtou. Lal odwn enfrsid yb did wthi ti awy elltit of eb rebpmsete i nwok ecom any ahtt ugtthhooru u’lndotw the umlbnrgci aey,r htme udwlo dna eht i. Us for gnhoue ’vie btho het ubt ,tuesp meak thta rrw,yo rcdie y,uo of hckso tno’d ro yuo gimth. Thwa o,wkn oyu i all tath wnat hety dan nrate’ msee ot eplepo eemssotmi. Fo ear ttha ym 2s1t era taht rea mofr ew eth nmya ti esrilae ’dtind opeelp kniht utiln reay yltnatsnoc ptas rudnao lieltt heert oyu so oranse ttah so ew eorfsu,l ustj. Lsciuadi sloa tath i dpeordp uot mbacee tneynseil nda itdn’d i are,y gurteada. Omesnoe nda up i i who ppsdlei a ned nbige it lfie orf lvie tgo tion udwol agy…o vloe wnko wnnudoef otn wiohutt abel utghhor ihwt ot how ym i ’tddin ubt. Ruo htllecmi. No feli ahtt hgcdaen dna siht uyo lleectompy is imh ym juts esh lwod,r ni eervthingy lvoe rhtig luodw tsercippvee esh’ em,. .
In up yrea a :21 in raye s21t 0232 den enwt nda kcab fof utghoh idd me, i gaagrunitd a htiw i jluy urdaegatd i my inu tefra. You eb udopr wodul so. I upord os ma. Ot fo tae,d n,o ededn sgetgib and coneprtipe a fwe iniressatdot on ): glcoisnnule ym t’si ramks eiamhecvnet off eth i my ngibe was a pu nad frist.
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I,ehlmtlc edned i’st vere lvgiin mnviog i dan itwh a ebst bnee tub otu eodncsii up dier, hte. In otl a nadardg and rwtnigi it idmled girht and my eht ti fo aer,y dedi ckohs a salt ur,ht osiriasntetd swa. That llte tnoi swih to ewort kcnodlo,w odclu ouy of aetfr ouy a og to i og uto cemo yanway ostmhn cdto’unl aftre ouy vitis upleco ubt all a l,etert uoy ese him oh,me and ta i adh eh mhi dan. Yuo hte rensveiu ,l)lwi so sah uroy onkw kabc dab i( efle on’td.
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Ouy igsnth ttha i wshi tell lcdou sreeth i. Uyo hwo rpuod ma lkei of i. Ni woh indkre enotmm rltea to esyar i uyo shwi i asw 4 eth of tdisena. Utb ouy, am i mreiops aeglnhi i. Ohest edborb ma spart us uro hela of heal rnien i i aindwr ma l,eik athn ot ngibe i rmof fymles on we tath lefrsou ot was seyflm erve adn todn’ eavh grkoinw enrdik ot idclh ben,e. Eewpsnh itnriwg ufond ceines a eliltt griht we auseecb ongimp nda lyetcurnr nad o,nw rou am a uot on eaftr tbiadyhr heva as e’tarn th13 iths ’mi sa 4 s(ye thsign dna nepshwe bit r!teet)!l, elphde di’ nggio retrbho i ryuo ew llew. Am gwoknri ehiotsnmg si i ahtt btu no. Ma feel od’tn os sbaeudrion ernyoam i on ew ruth that isht ongwkri. Eoelspp to hyet aled our acsxepieontt ti si lohd ot ear htwi otrhe tno ,su nrpobiitlsieys not of ours. Oyeu’r hatt tol wkno dna gohlind fo i a. Koay oesht to im’ gsntih ouy upt ’sti nglitle dwno. Uoy st’i vleo ppeoel ndtpaspioi ot oayk. Lfei, urosy i’ts sit’ nto uebecsa ehtri. Sdlhuo lefi ton hlt’odusn uyo oury eht no be lsee ouy tell yatpccia ot the’eyr ilignv niogd esaebcu and oen sha ahwt. Awht oyru to rosesaeiccs ’eoyur ttha ot snswsetie all lryteai tyhe rea diong ear. Tmaestr ntioghn em. It ,bcak uve’hlsod if eht ulowd lilw sneiuver veha ti uroy ee,adnpph veha. I rfom grhtohu thta ti strif emrsiop inssodeic lemichtl emad knnitghi adn wihtotu uyo tvahn’e nay apatr( uylfl i. . Vo?)el igthf cseau anc owh. All shit l’louy on be onkw fo su of the tno ifdnres uot nigeb yerathixfdpe lterte nyadosm i iwht. Eocfr tbu oyu ifle ni ’ctan hgntis ihts. ’hyeert it yeth ontd’ odgo tbu tno eerw doog htreo onwk ethy ont ehca orf ,su for. Ouy os rae eebttr fo voel nda wtah dan hte you reew eecrived worth mreo tepy nhta nda ouy muhc gienv os ienhpfrdsi era cmuh. Egibn uct edn me) wsa eyht no sgtnih hwne oru rfnspdhiie utb den lmdeba rea eht ti howttui duolc lolwedfo yhet tnhe oot is synoamd, hh(wic ardkwaw to and ecmo ot i soapylnietr eodwlla catakt i wshi an ,uto asy ti sehco an su rehto uacsbee ot to royu eht htaw. Lal e’oruy het wotrh enwh etedart ’evythe era escebau tub rea not tsaisenns neno teh yuo uatbo nad elki si lpoepe fo horwt you nihtgikn sotl o’vuye whit dw,lor. Dna ot endsp i ym ureftu ni nntdei ywotrh eysmlf, fo su asdy gnbei hte ,oyu.
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Y,rsor mi’.
Rifgoev eeplas me,.
Nathk o,yu.
I ouy ovel.
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Lveo,.
Erya 23 me x odl.

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