A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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(hwo taht 1s2t owdn lloetycepm ,won deganch ryae ’mi dna my ni in to ym you akltngi 23 eipdsu ete),rlt rea fiel. My hte ti aws fo tesb and stwro efil ryae. Ya‘so’ndm hrtuohg as ts12 not wsa weer arbdyhti me ym gogin gerta a hiceddt a ew urogh my pctah e,on. Stbpermee of nutd’lwo ttoouhruhg ithw nad ltliet ywa did bnculgmri i wnok yb nya odnw omec be woudl fidsrne eht htem het ttha year, ti i all. Of gimht oyu or,ywr su ie’v htbo atth ro rof e,psut ’dont hcosk ou,y utb kema eht ecrdi nouhge. Atnw mese htta peolep i eatr’n hyte lla nad estmsmeio to nwo,k uyo hwta. Yman we psta ti eht oyu fo rea ew tni’dd ahtt raye taht stnltoaycn ym are hitnk tnlui teiltl are eepolp mfro os rnesao drnaou jtsu 1t2s os o,slefru rehet atth aeelsir. Ucialdis i bmacee doepdrp salo dnt’di i aye,r out erudaatg ttha nda elsiynnet. Nad lwdou nito esmeoon i nde a ym i tog nkwo vloe orf who to othuitw oa…yg iwht tno edslpip ilev up ilef aleb oruhgth nendfowu tddn’i ti tub nbeig ohw i. Imllhetc our. Feil vleo in yuo nryhiegvet him ym hse ujts dna wluod sthi tploecleym eiseprcvetp on l,owrd htta si rihgt gdahcen ’esh me,. .
Ni i gouhht i juyl tfaer 21st wnte idd dne 2023 up ,me dan kbca aaegtddur :12 fof wiht a ayre tgdgnaiura uni eary a i my in. Eb uyo dporu so duwol. Os i am dpruo. Of ffo it’s ,deta ivhcmteenea arkms my ittsenrsidoa a clnoisnuleg eddne up :) ot saw a i tgbegsi no on, nda rointpceep nda few ym eth ngibe iftrs.
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The htiw pu tub a veer metci,hll vnmoig nda sncoeidi dneed ts’i lnigvi enbe sbet i otu e,ird. Thu,r iirntgw ni olt it a ti dna ,reay a fo kshco teh adagdnr htigr ym eddi swa dan stla draeointsist eldmdi. Hda tlel ftear a but otrwe a oonwkldc, adn fo ot erltt,e tnoi all i yuo pcueol uoy ynaywa taht stvii i og sihw l’oducnt eh mceo otu him lcdou motnsh mhi go ta to ees dan ouy oyu ,emoh aretf. ’ondt ouy uory reievnus w,l)il os het knwo eefl has ckba adb (i.
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Ttah uyo i sthnig srtehe olcud llte wish i. You keil i of rdoup ma who. Kiernd ouy i ainsdte fo rseya swa i to ni ertal mentmo the how sihw 4. Yu,o i imerosp tbu elgniah am i. Ylmfse n’otd we no atth su evre nrine am efsylm rnwaid tanh i artsp erodbb i e,ben lhidc ma efoulrs nrdike ot elha to veah fo omrf wsa inegb i ot and ekli, ruo tseoh ealh wgnikor. Dan yes( teitll htibdayr t’nrae bcaeuse we and niggo itb a uot lt)tr,e!e! tgrhi sihgnt n,wo oryu eepnswh eftra ma ehva uofnd uor wniigtr lepehd 4 nda wenephs tborrhe sa rcryulnet 13ht as im’ i i’d we omnigp no isth llew nceies a. Si tath nwkoirg i gnmoehist am on utb. I ogwnirk iths n’odt os am we hatt omenray efle trhu berisnaoud no. Thiw yeth orsu sitecxentpao hold isbsreoinlitpy aled ti to is ot not eposepl nto uor rae s,u of heort. Kown niohldg i fo a ’eyuor dna hatt lot. To ingsht eotsh dwon tpu im’ aoyk uoy i’ts iglnlte. Lvoe ouy st’i ayko elppeo ot oipdtsanip. Nto st’i ti’s ithre li,fe bueecsa oyrus. Llet nto on erhte’y ouy eles lgnvii ot oidgn royu apacycit ash nda eifl be scaeebu wtha ounlsh’dt lodshu the uyo oen. Ahwt cosisreesca iteseswsn dngoi hatt ot ehyt era ruoy aer ot yuoer’ iltaery lla. Me itonhgn smtreat. Heav ulowd haev it wlli eth it du’lhsevo resnvieu ,ackb fi yruo pdp,ehaen. Taht ciemlthl raat(p ofrm nay and lulyf ti sritf i nsiisdeoc ghhrout i kintginh mdae reiopms wotuiht ouy vhean’t. . Ohw acn gfthi v?)ole esuac. Lterte tuo nebgi ihtw ont us hist fo lal i yexhfdiparte iednfrs eb teh knwo ’louly snaymod of no. In tnihgs reofc but atc’n you eifl htis. Yhet btu eroth rof for ee’htry ont eewr u,s t’ndo chae yeth it onwk oogd ont doog. Os piesfrihnd rae wath uoy adn humc ouy os and ypet emro wthro of aer hnta vole niegv eerw eevrcdei mchu hte and ebertt uyo. Usebcae ldabme ioetralynsp wenh ot eirhsipdnf si eth sya tcakat wsa den het dne iwsh tou, i wotiuht dkawwar utb etnh nda edwlaol ot na itsgnh chw(hi yhte it us utc hecos on em) uor ucold oto era dfolwelo heyt ocme bnieg i na ot ynadso,m treho to ahwt it uryo. Aseubec teh v’youe nhwe dl,owr otsl dna uyroe’ yvh’tee yuo sanetissn of uoy redetta ohwtr pleeop rea btu si lal tnhkngii bouta enno klie hrtow ear hte otn htiw. To adsy my snped ytrhow su dna fo i ni idnnte ruufte fs,mlye het bgine yuo,.
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Im’ ,ysror.
E,m ovegrfi epseal.
Yuo, ntkah.
I olve oyu.
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L,eov.
X yera em 32 lod.

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