Dear Future Me

Dear Jake, I begin writing this at 10:06 PM on a Thursday night, to give you some frame of time when this was, I am procrastinating reading my Realestate exam books. I guess I'll start this out by letting you know whats going on right now, incase you have forgotten. You are with Jen and you are unhappy. You are depressed and think about suicide/running away alot. Sometimes its pretty hard to manage but we do it. You just ended the Brandy thing this recent weekend (remember the whole party incident with Trisha's car and Monster). I really wish things had been different with Brandy, even though there is no way it would have worked out anyways, she isn't the type of girl for us. But I guess bridges that get burnt often feel like they were the ones we needed to cross the most. Speaking of Trisha, she has slept over maybe 4 or 5 times by now and both you and I know that it isn't going to go anywhere and she is pretty much using you whether she knows it or not. But we let her cause it is nice to sleep with her. At this point in your life you still want to break up with Jen badly, and its been like this for a long time. I doubt that you have done it by now, and if you have congratulations. I don't want to end up staying with her any longer, its a waste of time for both her and us. She just got put on the anti-depressant Paxil and tonight is her second dose, I hope it goes well for her. OCD is a constant thing in your life now, it has been for a long time. I wonder if its the depression that causes the OCD or the OCD that causes the depression. Either way its hard. I want to write more about this but I don't know what to say. I guess because there isn't really anything to say about it. How is the future? Have you moved away from this family to San Fransisco? Have you become happy over the months? There are so many questions that I wish I could ask myself. I want to know who I'm convincing myself I'm in love with, if the thing with Trisha ever went anywhere (big doubts on that front), How hunter and franco are doing, is my mom still working, do you have a good job or are you still just working for our Dad? I guess I really just want to know if I'm happy, no matter where I am or who I'm with. I wish I could move away from this place. Get a tiny apartment in San Fransisco by myself, save up for a ratty old piano that I'd probably never play, fall in love with some sweet hipster girl from across the hall but never talk to her because I don't wanna ruin the illusion. I can't see myself happy anywhere I go. I guess I can see the bad in everything in life and it always feels like it outweighs the good. I'd be unhappy single, I'd be unhappy living in San Fransisco, I'd be unhappy rich and successful in LA. I don't know what will make me happy, but when I find it one day I'll let you know. I wish things were different with Kristina. I wish that I had never gotten together with Jen and stuck with Kristina and lived a childhood at Sultana. I would have ended up a much more happy person in the long run. Maybe thats my problem, seeing the unhappy in the future, and seeing the happy in the past that I missed or passed up. Speaking on Cristina's, how is Padfoot? Still with James I'm sure, probably haven't talked to her in months except for the occasional texts whenever they fight. Not like she was the girl for you anyways... We don't need a kid in our lives. Either two things will happen when you get this, you'll laugh at how immature it sounds and how sad you were for no reason and will be happy with how far you have come. Or you'll realize you are in the same dead end looking for a way out. Either way I'm sure things have changed and it'll still seem silly. Right now you are feeling: Anxious because you want Trisha to text you but she won't, try to convince yourself you don't give a shit - works for a few minutes. You miss Brandee and feel guilty over the whole thing, cause you know it was avoidable by just not having Trisha come to the party - maybe in the future you've realized you can't make everyone happy all the time, because everyone wants a piece of you and you're running out of pieces. You feel guilty for letting Trisha sleep over even though you have a girlfriend, but you try to convince yourself that Jen pushed you to this because of how she acts, but we both know that its bullshit and so we feel bad. Right now you hate it here, you want to leave back to Hesperia every chance you have even though there isn't anything there for you. There's so many things that I regret its getting overwhelming. Number 1 on the list is leaving Sultana. If I could go back in time I would have never done that. Life would be so much different right now. I hope in the future you learn to not fall in love with girls so easily, and that you get better at talking infront of people and not saying stupid things because you are nervous. I hope that you've matured 5 years in this 1 year and that you have truely found happiness, no matter what that entails. And if not happiness, then I guess acceptance will do. In the case that things have changed and live is good: I want to congratulate you on finally crawling out of this grave that you dug for yourself. I want to let you know that no matter what to always be true to yourself and what makes/keeps you happy. That life isn't all about money even if you believe it is. That the right girl honestly makes the man, and no matter what amount of women you have around you that the right one won't be in that crowd throwing themselves at you. Maybe you've lost some weight to? Fatass ^_~ In the case that things haven't changed at all: Then I want to ask you to write another one of these emails to yourself set for 1 year. I'm sure that you'll know what to put in it, you long winded bastard. I want you to know that no matter what there is always room to go up and improve and claw your way out of whatever barriers you have built around you out of regret and sadness. There honestly isn't anything that we can't do, even it feels like we can't do anything. Its never to late to change yourself. In the case that you've ran away: Please keep in touch with Mom, I know that she still misses you no matter what has happened, and that even a little call to say hi makes the difference. I hope that you have found happiness or peace wherever you are and that at this point you are rebuilding who you are and still trying to find yourself, like I know you will always be doing. In the case that you've killed yourself: I guess you won't be reading this, but if I could tell you something before you did is that no matter what has happened, no matter how low you've gotten, there isn't any reason to quit life, no matter what. Its hard to imagine what is on the other side, but I know its something more than you know, I know God is up there, and I know that He is looking down on us, a guiding hand no matter what we've chosen to do. I guess I don't know what to say in closing, because it really isn't in closing at all. I'm going to go on living. Hopefully forget about writing this. And things are going to change, like they will always, ALWAYS undoubtedly do. Just don't ever let changing tides change your soul and who you know you are that deep. -Jake P.S. - You had OCD on where to put that "-Jake"