Message from the old you

Dear FutureMe, Have you got a life yet? I hope so, you really wanted it. You tried, trust me, you did (I know, I'm there), but it was hard. You wanted more hobbies, but you couldn't get interested in things or hold your concentration long enough. You were behind knowing about something, so never even tried bothering to catch up. You felt like you'd wasted your life, right now I'm wondering where the time has gone to have achieved so little? That's a lie, you know you've achieved a bit. Always a hard worker, and I hope you still are. Always doing your best, always wanting the best for your friends, the listening ear. The listening ear who didn't know how to help herself. I'm at University now. 2nd year. Just had my first exam, so nearly finished for the year. Thank god. Only one more year to go. The last two years I've deteriated. I don't know why, I know I'm a nice enough person, but I havn't made friends at Uni (except Rachel, I hope you're still in touch with her...whereever she is...America with David?) and maybe my coursemate Louise, though I never have been sure of her intentions, whether I'm just someone for her to tag with while at lectures. Are you still in touch with her? In your old life, aged 21, you felt like you lived two seperate lives at Uni, and at home. But you were getting so unhappy at Uni, and had always had confidence issues, it started to effect your home life, causing you to question everything, wonder if there was a point. But you're reading this, so hopefully the hope you had things would change, reached you and you're living a life you want to now. Rather than just existing, how I feel right now, sat alone in my room at University. All alone. As I have been so often in the last two years. I know I have issues, but they don't seem big enough for a therapist. I don't cut myself, or harm myself in anyway, no one close to me has died, I have friends at home (even if I do question how much they really care most of the time). I just feel detached. I find it hard to express myself to people, maybe I neglect my own needs for others. I hope you've managed to change that and put yourself first sometimes. I hope you've managed to forget the horrid times at Uni, and the old saying you always told yourself, from the Broken Family Band came true.... "these things are sent to try us, and we can but soldier on, that which does not kill us, can only make us strong". Be strong now, whatever happens. You're reading this, at the time it was the worst thing in the world. You strongly believed loneliness is the worst thing a person can go through (except poverty and stuff like that)...even if really you had a few friends at home, at Uni, that was loneliness, and you got through it so a pat on the back for you :) Remember how you used to feel left out even at home though? And feel your friendship group was never enough? I hope you're still with those mates, Nicola, Alex, Ray, Mike and Roz (are they still together?). They were good friends, even if you felt left out. Of course you did though, and you knew why even then. I hope you've accepted it's your nature to be quiet, people didn't mean to leave you out. Roz and Mike, you introduced them yes, you felt they now cared for each other more than they cared for you. But it's four years they've been together now for goodness sake, you're a jealous person sometimes but deep down you know they don't intend it. If you're not in touch with that lot still, fool you, phone them, they were good for you on the whole, don't lose touch. You used to hate the amount of time you spent on the internet. Mainly due to your catch 22 situation, no confidence preventing you trying new things. But I hope you've gotten over that by now. It'll be a long road, you're probably not fully there yet even if you've started on the journey, but you will get there. Keep your chin up. That's what you always told Franco, you're most best best friend in the whole world. I hope he's still here. I really do. I have no doubt if he hasn't killed himself, of course you'll still be mates. You'll move to Denmark/Sweden one day :) If he's still there, well done on supporting him through his troubles. If he's gone, don't blame yourself. You do that too often. Wow I am being a bit doom and gloom. Always was serious wern't ya? Maybe you should buy a joke book! Hows the mighty BFC? In the Premiership yet? Yeah right. I hope you're still as passionate, whatever shit league they're in. I hope they still exist! You liked being one of few girls who loves football, even if sometimes it made you feel different to others for not being into stuff like hair and make up. But then you respected yourself for that, deep down. Not conforming just to fit in. Being yourself. With all my heart I hope you've learnt to accept you for who you are, a kind and emphatic person, and are happy with what you have. You always worried about what job you'd get, mostly due to a lack of confidence thinking you'd be shit at everything. Hopefully now you've found something you enjoy doing and feel good at it. If not, maybe you should go back to confidence classes or something. Remember it's never too late, I don't feel too good right now but deep down, as long as you have hope you know everything will be okay and you will get through hard times. I hope you still have hope, and are not just trudging along anymore. If I've brought up bad memories for you, I'm sorry. It wasn't my intent. What I want is to congratulate you on getting to where you are, and remind you it's never too late to change if you are still not happy. Keep well, 21 year old you (Claire).