UUHN

Dear FutureMe, I hope that whenever this arrives, I will be a happy, healthy, motivated human being rather than the sad sack of depression that I am now. Hopefully, I will be able to honestly express myself to the people I care about, and won't be in denial about my various problems. I'd like to be able to admit to myself "my problems are as important as the next person's; if not to myself, then at least to my best friend or parents." Being rejected from that program was hard, but I don't know if that was really the thing that was hurting me. I remember being on the phone, talking to the exchange coordinator, on the verge of tears. But I kept myself together. Even as she told me "Sorry, you weren't accepted," I kept a straight face. I even said to her "thank you." What for? I don't know. All I could tell was that I was angry at her for feeling the need to tell me like that. I'd have preferred a detached method. I feel detached from everything. Do you remember all the crazy things you did? Run away from home. (A tip: Don't sit in broad sight, along a main road. Cops will get curious. The park bench was a way better idea.) Mom and Dad thought I was being rebellious. That wasn't it. I felt suffocated. I wanted to get out. I ran away from therapy too. What would I talk to her about? How depressed I am? How unwilling I am to admit it? Yeah right. I don't open my soul to anyone. Anyone at all. Speaking of depression, I might kill myself before this arrives. The idea seems more appealing more often these days. I hate depression. I always figured I wasn't afraid of anything. But here I am, running away from everything. I just figure I'm not meant to grow up. I certainly don't want to. Is this my problem? Everything about it seems so melodramatic and downright stupid. I don't like people who think they're depressed, who whine and bitch and mope about how unhappy their lives are. Stupid. I never claimed I wasn't a hypocrite. But I hope that when I get this, it will seem stupid and silly, rather than stupid and humiliating. I hope that I start taking my own advise, the good kind, and live like a happier person. (Also, wrist slitting is for pussies. I maintain that belief even now. I haven't sunken SO low.)