you don't deserve me

(Dear L, no, just ) Hey L, (you don't deserve "dear" because you have actually never used that word to me in our relationship) I am writing to you, and I am cc'ing the future me on Aug 18th, 2014, only three months from now on, I chose that date because we met in reality on Aug 18th, 2013. You know I have bad memories about numbers including dates, but somehow I make my memory accessible to that date, and what about you? There are many ups and downs in the past few weeks in our relationship, ended on Monday, May 19th, 2014, and being in your 35, you texted me the exactly text you sent out on November 1st, 2013, you said, we should just be friends. That is hilarious to me when it happened the second time. Winding back, I was not that into you last winter so that was it, and yes, friendship is probably a better choice. But this time, you, the same guy two weeks ago who made the proposal that we should be in a committed relationship, who was supposed to be a mature guy going through the dark stages as you described to me and now in your 35, just texted me without even saying why, you want a break up. Well I guess you took your time to think through, because you clearly lied when you said you didn't see my text checking in about our relationships on Sunday night and replied with some funky autocorrection on Monday morning, wow, you were not even conscientious when you texted me to break up, what a teenager. So I followed up with you, you didn't even wanna engage in the conversation about what the heck is going on. You said because you are different in social settings thus dating isn't an option on your side. I found it amusing as if you just found that out. I knew that from the first time we went your friend's birthday party, and being the token minority, I felt extremely uneasy and was checking out as well. But things turn around when this spring our relationship gets more serious, I thought instead of avoiding of the differences and barriers, we should talk in order to make it work out. For example, as I can't stay attuned on Saturday for all the three parties, maybe I should just went to one like we did on Friday so I could remain attentive to you and your friends, some of who, admittedly, I am not a fan of. But you know what's the difference, I make too much effort to work on this barriers I was aware of at the very beginning. I thought you did or at least you knew some parts of it, but clearly you had zero clue. What else? You have hold too much power from the beginning in our relationship, and what's more, I granted you the power, and it might be my fantasy, but some many times, I see a vulnerable, introverted, and lonely you that need security and nurturance. Remember the time you brought up the topic of committed relationship like before 10 mins we should leave for the concert? Despite my own anxiety about our relationship, I put on that hat I need to encourage you to express your emotions no matter it's good or bad, because I want you to grow and be a better person, I validated you, trying the best I could, confirmed you with total attention, just to model you the unconditional love, because you said, emotion is repressed in your upbringing. Now looking back, I made the basic mistake in love 101 lesson that I exacerbated our relationship to be more unbalanced. You know after the break up, the one who just passively accept the news, which is me, always tosses the over the question, what if the other turns back? I doubted for one second but I don't think you will outgrow the teenager version of you for a significantly long time, unless you seek out a therapist or another lovefool like me. And I am super smart enough, rationally, to know, you just don't deserve me, in any ways. You are chronologically much older than me and psychologically much younger than me, is there a worse combination granted i am looking forward to an egalitarian relationship as always. You don't know how a relationship works, and you haven't yet turn on the switch to be willing to learn how. You don't know what you really want, seriously, I mean I know you thought you did, but that wasn't any function of your cortex activity. Last but not least, I remembered I lied to A when she asked me about our sex, but that was more like 3 out of 10. Well at least I tried, just as I told my therapist and my closest friends, I have learnt so much from this experience than I ever had in other relationships. I never regretted one thing I did regarding our relationship. Now three days after the break up, I wanna end up this letter with gratitude. I thank you because the time we spent together, which are not necessarily all fun, but gives company in this damn cold city and again learning opportunities of dating and relationships. In the end, I also thanks for ending it sooner than later before you abuse me in a way I couldn't even imagine. I don't know your reaction to this letter, and I still don't know how should I react if I run into you in the near future in this small community. I will probably just pull it off as cool as I always did. Take care, X