future me

Dear FutureMe, i'd never even heard of this site before... i just thought i'd type "future me" into that little google search bar up there on the right and see what would happen. and lo and behold, this site was the first thing that came up! for years now every so often i write a new "perfect plan" or set some guidelines for myself to make me into the person i want to be. i honestly thought i'd come across some other crazy people's lists too. perhaps everyone isn't as weird as i am though... i'm still working on being perfect. lately, i've been feeling guilty because for the first time in my life i am feeling like i am actually on that road to becoming the person i want to be. i'd only admit it to you, but i'm crying right now. i mean, i'm happy. it's so weird to say that. 22 years is a long time not to know what being happy feels like. (and actually the worst part is that you don't even know how sad and unhappy you are until one day you finally feel right.) anyways, my dad lost his job 2 weeks ago. my brother dropped out of 2 of his 4 classes and will drop out of college after his first semester is over (in dec). i talked to my parents for the first time in over a month in a half last week. they say he drove the 8hrs down to their town (without telling them) and emptied his bank account to buy a ton of weed and sell it up where he goes to school so that he could have money. he's broke now and they're talking about doing a 12 step program after dec. i guess my parents moved a bunch of boxes out of my old room and took them to the crawl space at my grandma's house. they are most likely moving to ohio because my dad might work back at his old company. with the housing market as shitty as it is though i don't know if the house will even sell. joe and felicia had their baby. why does everyone tell me their life falls apart when i leave? i think everything is just a horrible coincidence. i just always happen to be with the people i love when things are going right for them... maybe i'm some sort of good luck charm or something. i really wish I had one of those for myself though, i've def always had to make my own luck. when i left around the 20th of sept i wanted to see my two best girl friends katie and kim. they both stood me up and never even came. kim fucking lives about 2 blocks from where i was too. i was even going to spend my own gas money and drive 2 hours to see kate and dave and then drive 2 hours back. she said she'd come to see me instead and that she'd get there around 5pm. i called her at 6 and there was no answer. i knew she got off work at 2. finally at 7 she picks up the phone (it's a land line) so i knew she wasn't coming. are these two girls serious? why the fuck do i even try to be their friend? i don't deserve any kind of shit like that... i have friends that will give me the shirt off their back. so, needless to say i haven't even tried speaking to either of them. bullshit. they both are. they deserve each other. wayne and ryan even came to see me off and they aren't 1/20th as good of friends as kim and kate are supposed to be. i say forget them. i just came back from amsterdam on sunday (two days ago). i went with juliana, juan, enrique and hannah. we had a blast (minus seeing all the museums). i feel like i have to cry everyday. i want to make everything better for everyone around me. even the people i can't see. i want to be perfect. i want to be the best me. i want to be smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, strong enough, and good enough. and not just in other people's eyes but in my own. lately i've been thinking perhaps my bro is afraid of living in my shadow. (i'm very sorry if this comes off as conceited or anything but i swear i do not intend it in that way). i think maybe he thinks i'm too smart, pretty, the fact i've graduated college, that i'm his big sis and he's always looked up to me, i've got a good job traveling europe, before i even left i was lucky enough to get promoted in my old summer job etc etc. maybe he thinks it's too much for him to handle and he can't measure up, so why should he even try? he asked if i ever smoked pot one time and i told him i had but only twice. it was the truth. i've never told him anything but the truth, but now i can't help but think that my somehow saying that gave him permission to try it for himself. i can't help but take some things on my shoulders and he's always been one of them. i would carry that kid to another planet if i had to. i can't even tell you how i would do it, i just know i would if it were for him. he's my only brother (that i've really known) and i really would do anything for him i love him that much. i wish there was something i could do or say to make him realize he is more than worthy and is equally as smart and as handsome in his own right and can achieve anything he sets his mind to. i just wish i didn't have this feeling he values my opinion more than he does his own... guilt is guilt though no matter how you slice it. how can you believe me that i am happy? i want you to have a beautiful christmas and i hope your thanksgiving dinner turns out well (if not for your own, for everyone else's sake)! remember that i love you and that if you just try hard enough you can become that perfect image you've always had/still have for yourself. don't ever give that up. it's you.