A letter from graduation day

Dear FutureMe, I have so many different topics to cover in this one letter, so it's going to be a long one. Tomorrow, June 7th, 2012, I graduate from high school. Right now... It honestly hasn't hit me yet. Like, it doesn't even feel like the end of the year. I feel like it's just the last day before winter break or something, and I'll be seeing everyone in a week or two. But I won't. Chances are I won't be seeing a lot of these people ever again. There are only a few people I can guarantee I will keep in actual contact with after high school. Lizzie, of course. She is and always has been the best friend I could ever ask for and I don't know how I'd survive if we lost touch. Holly, who I just met last year in chemistry, but honest to God don't think I would have survived senior year without her. She's taking a year off of college, too, but then in the spring she's going to UMD... It's going to be so hard not seeing her every day. With Lizzie, at least she's just going to Augsburg, which is right in Minneapolis. It's like a 20 minute drive from my house (which won't even be my house much longer...). And then Ashley, who has been one of my closest friends since 8th grade. She's going to University of Wisconsin-Whitewater this fall... I honestly don't think I'll be able to handle her leaving. I wish more people were a guarantee. At least one more. But it's not appropriate... and it's just terrible fucking timing. He is 5 years older, which if I hadn't met him while I was in high school, this wouldn't be such a big deal. But right now... it is. He's also a teacher at my school. And he has a girlfriend. But I'm in love with him... I've never felt the way I do about him with anyone else. Not even Jay. With Jay, it was more that I was in love with the idea of him, rather than him himself (I mean, I don't even know the guy anymore). But with him... I love HIM. I love everything about him. I love how he is passionate about sports and kids and I love how his face scrunches up when he laughs and I love how he has goals and he has dreams and I love how he's already achieved so much and I love how he pushes his hair out of his face and I love how awkward he can be and how he gets embarrassed and how he makes jokes about everything and how he likes to slip in little lies just to mess with people and how we have the same sense of humor and like the same shows and the same music. I love literally every aspect about him, the good AND the bad. I love how it's so easy to talk to him, and I WANT to talk to him. I want to tell him everything, even if it doesn't matter. I want to tell him about how I got the scar on my knee and I want to tell him about how I feel like a stranger in my dad's house and about how my favorite scent is that of chlorine and how all I want in the world is to be with him all the time and just sit and talk and laugh and even just not say anything, just seeing him and being in his presence. I just want to be with him. But I can't tell him that... Today was my last day with him. We had a good time, too. But after it was over... It was a terrible day. Honestly, the worst day of my life. Obviously I'm going to come back and visit him... but it's not enough. That means I have to wait all through this summer, part of the school year.. I just want to see him now. All the time. It's terrible. I hate this feeling. I honestly feel like there is a giant hole in my chest and my head is pounding and my throat is sore and my eyes ache and I just want to be with him or to have never met him because this is honestly the worst pain I've ever felt. It sucks that this is supposed to be this great, happy, exciting time, and I'm sitting here alone in my room, fucking heartbroken and crying. This is all too much. It feels like everything is crashing down around me. Is this what it always feels like? You're 22 now, I'm assuming you've gotten your heart broken more than just this time. I really hope it doesn't feel like this every time, or I hope that you don't experience it frequently. It's absolutely terrible. So. You're 22. How are things going? Are you in college? I still really don't know if I want to go. Are you writing? I hope you're writing. It's what you've always wanted to do. Did you ever move to Florida, or are you still here in Minnesota? Did you keep in contact with Holly or Ashley or Lizzie? What about Williamson? What about anyone else? Have you met anyone yet? How's Mom? And Dad? I hope they're great. What about Nana and Scott? Grandma Grimes and Grandma Keller? Are Bea and Spencer still together? What about Louie and Colette? Remember to tell everyone that you love them. You don't know how long they have left. Tell Dad you're sorry, if you haven't already. Tell him you love him, and thank him for everything he's done for you, even though you don't deserve it. How are the animals? Sasha, Daisy, Bella and Dusty? Are they okay? Take them for walks, give them treats. They love you more than anyone. Remember to be a good daughter, sister, girlfriend, granddaughter, person. Are you happy? I really hope you're happy.