A letter from the past for your 18th birthday

Dear FutureMe, Congrats. You're 18. You better be going to a fucking spectacular college. D1, full scholarship. No exceptions. I'm writing this as a fifteen year old. It's funny, I read the one that I wrote more than a year ago when I was fourteen, I was so bubbly. So innocent. They changed me, not the world but mom and dad. I'm currently being rebellious, I don't want to be near mom when she's home and I don't speak to dad anymore. I just let the phone ring. Actually, I don't speak much at all anymore. Mom is trying to "set me straight" and instill some fear into me. Doesn't she know I'm not scared of monsters anymore? Out of all things that can really fuck people up, it seems like parents do the most of it. She's becoming verbally abusive. She's telling me that I'm headed nowhere and I'm a loser and she told me to "pull that stomach in" last weekend. I guess since I refuse to speak to Robert, she needs to make sure I get put down every day. I'm almost 5'4 and weigh 117 pounds. I hope my recent attempts at an eating disorder have worked out. I can't get myself to throw up. I don't have much of a gag reflex, I only see stars. I guess my future boyfriend will benefit from that one. If I ever get one. Outlook: Not so good. But I don't eat as much. I'm hungry as I write. Last week, I was so completely against drinking again. I thought it was stupid and pointless. After I filled the whole damn toilet bowl with puke in December, I can't even use mouthwash because I can't stand the taste of alcohol. I drank two cups of straight vodka in December. And last weekend I didn't really want to, but I took a shot. Just one, although it was some strong shit. And an allergy pill, only one also because medication really fucks with your body. I also snuck out and returned in the morning. Amy's dad actually unknowingly helped me sneak out for the first time, and drive Amy to the place that she would get drunk for the first time. This weekend, we're doing it again and I can't wait. I wish they to knew that this is what they did. My parents drove me to depression once, I needed to find an escape from all the pressure. I stopped drinking because I didn't want to be THAT kind of girl. I want to be successful and HAPPY. But here I am again, excited for the weekend. The only reason I'm so reluctant to drink sometimes is because I see what it did to dad, and I don't want to do that to anyone else. People who start drinking before the age of 15 are far more likelier to suffer from alcoholism in the future. So I guess I'm safe since I started AT 15. I don't care, I'm young and I'm fearless. I really hope you never try drugs though, future me. That is some addictive shit and it will really screw with you. Just read "Go Ask Alice" if your thoughts ever waver. Nobody thinks I have it as bad with the parents as Olivia because I don't show my unhappiness. I don't want the attention, I don't want people to know. I'll feel weak. Truthfully, I'm not sad unless I'm with mom or dad. Around other people, I am genuinely content. And there are times when I start thinking about the situation and I get sad, but nobody can ever tell because I never lose my pokerface and I like it that way. The only emotions people can ever read from me are anger and happiness. The rest, people think I'm incapable of. Honestly, I don't even think I have tear ducts anymore. I don't cry because I don't like to. I don't like the vulnerability of it all, even if it's just me. Crying is for the weak. So that's why everyone thinks Olivia had it worse. Because she would show her weakness anyway possible. She cut, smoked, did drugs, had a new boyfriend every other week, drank, and overdosed on pills and went to the hospital. I don't do most of that because I have seen what it could do to other people. And I wouldn't want to be selfish and mess everyone else lives up just because I didn't get the attention that I wanted. But Olivia eventually got it, as we all know. She was so suicidal that she got to travel everywhere for tennis, she got to go to an academy in California, and she got mom and dad to approve of a coach living at our house for a year. Her own personal coach who didn't give a fuck about coaching me. And, well, you know the rest of the "shocking" turn of events. Olivia got what she wanted because she was pretty and highly ranked. I'm not as much of a looker, and I'm only average. Everyone feels more sorry for the pretty faces, even I do! Now she plays for the 2nd best school for women's tennis, and I'm losing to fucking Vicky. I can't break through the middle of the pack. Being a ray of sunshine isn't all it's cracked up to be. But anyways, I hope you turn out all right, actually, more than all right. I hope you sign with a great college, and not end up at some halfway house. I hope you lose weight and don't stay a whopping 117 pounds. I hope you have a spectacular 18th Birthday. And I hope you finally get a fucking boyfriend. It's about time. Also, I'm sorry for filling the email with my depression and anger. I just have no one to talk to, and who better than my future self? Love, Natalka