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Mama said today that she'd be better off dead. She blames me. She's disappointed. It aches me that she believes I'm not good enough. I need her to know that this is not me. I need her to know that I will do better. But right now this isn't me. How do I tell her that I want to die too? That I blame her? I can't talk to her anymore. I can't look at her. I don't want her to see me, I wish to be invisible. I wished and I wished that I could leave. I need to be alone. I can't lose her yet. I want her to see me doing better. I want her to do better. She doesn't realise that we are not a happy family. She doesn't realise I blame them. She doesn't realise I'm angry. She doesn't realise I'm deeply sad. She thinks this is me. It's not. I can't fix things. I can't tell her the truth. I'd rather have her disappointed in me than know that I hate this world and want no part in it. God, when she's with you, you tell her I'm sorry, you tell her this was never me, you tell her I wish I could save us both. You tell her I feel like I'm not even here anymore. I'm nowhere. She hates who I am. I do too. I can't change a thing. I hope she knows the truth one day. I hope she loves me enough to forgive me. I hope I forgive myself. And god, I hope you forgive me.
Sent almost 3 years to the future from November 12th, 2017 to November 12th, 2020