A letter from May 5th, 2017

Hey again. I haven't written a letter in a long time but I remember the last time that I did. I was sitting in that kitchen in California, with the cold air biting my toes as it does late at night. I was on the precipice of a new and exciting time in my life and I felt rejuvenated, happy, ready to experience life. I want to feel that again, but time passes slowly and surely, and I am creeping away from that moment in my life with every breath that I take. I wish I could go back to that time, where I had no real anxieties. Of course, that year I had after graduating was just perpetuating my procrastination, but it was also the best year of my life. Of course, I could have done more with that year, like work more, dabbled more in what I'd like to study in the future. But I've come to realise, that I am more of a failure than anything else. I set myself up with all these expectations that I never meet, and I am constantly bombarded with what paths I should have taken every day. I'm not sure why I put all this pressure on myself. Most would say "Hey, you're just shy of 20. Nobody has it figured out," but time is my worst enemy. So much I should have done these past few years. Maybe I should have taken up modelling. Maybe I should have studied law. Maybe I should have gone to Melbourne. I feel like it's all too late now. I'm so scared. So so scared. So many paths in life to take and I don't know which one is for me. I just distract myself, with friends, boyfriend, mindless online activity. None of which is conducive to myself or figuring out who I am as a person. I wish I was a person who wasn't afraid to figure out all of this. I wish I wasn't a person who had regrets or thought of a million hypothetical situations that could have been. Avoidance and doubt are my biggest vices, and I really hope at least some of this has changed for you. What's upsetting me right now is my degree program. I want to change my degree again but I'm not sure to what. I'm so conscious that time is not on my side and if I change again, I could be at university till 2021. If I just do a straight arts degree, I may not be able to take advantage of opportunities like the research program, or the Spanish internship, or exchange, some of which I could have done this year if I had sat down and done my research. Anyway. I guess the one major lesson that I've learned is that you will miss out on opportunities if you are too afraid to research them in the first place. May 31 is the deadline for exchange. That's the deadline for me right now to figure out what I'm doing with my academic career. I guess, I hope you have grown as a person. I hope you are living out of home, with someone new (or by yourself), living in a different city, in a job you genuinely enjoy. There are so many hopes and desires I have for myself, but as I'm getting older I realise that you have to physically do something about it, or you'll watch it slip away like steam rising from a hot cup of tea. Whenever you receive this letter, write down what's happening in your life. I will want to compare my current now to your current now. I wish you'd journal more, because most of what I'm thinking seems to be lost on things that are not deserving of it. Scrolling through 500 animal videos on Facebook is hardly useful for my future. So. It's 1:30am and I'm supposed to doing a Stats lecture. I think it's time for me to go to bed. I hope you are well, I really, really do. I hope you have more of a vision for the future than what I have now. See you in a few years. Love, Your 19 year old self