A letter from Nov 12, 2024

12 November, 2024 Dear N It is close to 5:30, and I'm sitting in my bedroom, on a beanbag, writing this letter to you. I am sure that whenever you read this, one year or more from now, you're a fairly changed woman. In a matter of twelve days, I am giving the CAT exam- and I'm hoping to get into an MBA programme in IIM Mumbai at best, or something just as good, like an SP Jain, or KJ Somaiya, and I'm also going to give the NMAT for NMIMS. My personal life has been full of ups and downs this year, I cut contact with a very dear friend, Y, because of his bad behaviour, and I went through the most mentally destabilising breakup- I was devastated at having to end my not-relationship with this guy. His name is A, and he was the first guy that I had actually liked in years. This could-have-been lasted only 3 months, incredible months, and I went on some of the most sincere, sweet and fun dates with him before I realised our emotional compatibility is nonexistent. It shattered my heart- I don't think I'm even fully over him yet, and it has been nearly 6 months since the breakup. This is the longest I have taken to get over anyone, after R. I really liked him so much. I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that I still long a tiny bit to have him in my life again- because it means that I can have feelings. I've been too much of an ******* to admit it in the past, or maybe I never had feelings strong enough for me to acknowledge- but it is hard getting over a guy you saw potential in- and I need to stop falling for potential. I hope wherever you are, you've found a guy better than him, who meets your standards as much as he did and is emotionally much better adjusted, and loves you-truly loves you. I was supposed to go to the UK for my MA. this year-and this is the third time I have almost gone abroad for studies- and I've shut that dream down for good. I think being in college either really opened my eyes to the actuality of being surrounded by peers who are driven fundamentally by the wrong things and has tainted me forever in the sense that I can never see living alone for education as a fantastical dream life made of flowers and furniture from Ikea and calling you friends over and having a lovely time- I only see it for the harsh, depressing reality it is. And as much as I wanted to move abroad, those dreams being shattered in the way they were, that illusion being shattered, the curtain falling to reveal that in the grand scheme this blip has consequences unforseen, I cannot go anymore. I am too scared. I have been too proud in the past to admit my fears but I am such an incredibly afraid person-I am too terrified to move. but I am also getting over these fears- not entirely unfounded, I must say. what with the social ostracisation I've faced my whole life, I had resigned myself to an existence of loneliness and I had grown now just accustomed to it- and brought out of this friendless existence (apart from my two ever-loyal Sa and Z) with a Diwali party that I held, for the first time, with my own friends, I feel mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel the pinch of never having had this experience before- I feel heartbroken for my inner child- she never thought she could have this privelege (and what a rush-what a feeling!), and i refuse to go back to my dreary, lonely existence, even though I know how to keep myself occupied, after a taste of this, I will never love being alone again. and on the other hand, I feel so immensely grateful. My heart is full for the first time in my life. I can feel the Creator bestowing his smiles upon me and I feel like a person- I feel whole. If this is what its like to have friends, I want 100. I am eternally grateful to Sh for opening my heart up. She somehow opened the stonecold, ironclad gates of my loneliness and showed me that I am not alone. Even though it is fine to be alone, it really is not. I love having friends. Having people; and I feel for the first time, I am being normal with everyone. I am not faking, or being someone else or even people pleasing, I am letting my heart open. (no ******* way bro's really discovered the power of being friends with people at the age of 22) How absurd I was! How foolish, how disdainful of life and everyone around me! I am NOT a hater...I am a lover...and I love rocks and mountains but I love men more (by men I mean humans and yes this is a pride and prejudice reference, please go and rewatch rn.) But I cannot insult myself like this. I may have been an idiot, but the truth is that I was afraid, insecure, and most importantly, I was coping with a grief I did not understand then and won't understand for a long time and I must forgive myself for acting injuriously towards me and towards everyone else. A dying person can be forgiven for his misdeeds...for his behaviour... the world will be harsh on me anyway! I must show kindness to myself. I was a child. I am a child. I cannot be expected to know and react to things according to anything I havent seen yet happen. I am so harsh with me. I must be gentle, kind, forgiving, loving. a child cannot be reprimanded so harshly... I must hug her. Protect her from the evils that made her behave like this... I have had so many revelations about life and the way I have been conducting myself for years now...my BPD has always been around and something in Jindal made it worse- part of reason of my social ostracisation was the way I have behaved, and what people have done to me is inexcusable- and i'm not justifying this in any manner, but really, what I needed to realise was i was hiding under layers of defence mechanism. I could not have taken off these layers when i was freezing cold once- and definitively am happy I never did- but I must remove them in this sweltering heat. Once what protected me from a world of pain, is now causing great distress to my personal life. and thus like shedding old skin, reptilian, I must keep transforming into new things. Sa once said to me a few years ago, that my obsession with 'healing' is stupid and every couple of months this 'healing era' i undergo is ridiculous and not changing much. however offended i was at the time, i must admit she is very right. I have inadvertently been self-sabotaging everything i work hard to build. a few weeks ago we touched upon this topic and she said, 'For four years I have seen you go through every healing era imaginable, and I have thought you were insane, but I realise you needed this defence mechanism to not collapse in on yourself- and you've been peeling back layer after layer, and i can see the nakshu i once knew emerging from her defensive walls. i dont know what happened in your teens to make you so hurt that you developed BPD, but i can see you as clear as day again. you, the way you were as a kid, without the strange, preconcieved notions of life and hazardous ideas that damaged your worldview.' and as much as i have paraphrased her words to sound more flowery what she said was more or less exactly this- that I am me again. I hope you're me too. I am so grateful this year happened. I hope its worth it in the end. love, N