A letter from Mar 11, 2024

Dear future Jonas, Today is actually march 9 and u probably have forgotten about it but it’s officially been a month since you asked me to leave saying that you wanted to take a rest muna kay u are tired of everything, yet there you already are, courting someone else just in a span 2weeks or a maybe even a week gani. I don’t even know if u’ll ever receive this letter. I just really wanna vent out my frustrations. I’m TIRED love. So tireddddd. Kapoy huna huna sa tubag sa ahung pangutana “Nganung nabuhat na nimo nako?”. What have I done so wrong to you that you are capable of doing that to me. Nisaad ko daan nmo diba love, nga masakitan ko if buhaton na nmo but how come love. Sakit kaayo love. How can you do that maski kaybaw ka nga masakitan ko. What u’re doing is very traumatic and right now actually I’m starting to believe that love may not be for me jd diay. I know I want to be loved, lami kaayo sa feeling nga mag love and i-love back, just like how we were but I don’t wanna experience another heartbreak again. Going through everything is very tiring, it’s very draining to the point that I actually asked God to just simply take my life just so that I won’t feel the pain. Shocking siguro no? Coz I seem so fine and collected sa school, sa public, in front of everyone else but little does everyone know nga I still cry a lot, that I keep questioning God “why me”, that I was broken inside and that I am only pretending to be okay. Everything is not okay jd. I really miss the old you. The Jonas who said nga di siya musugot nga magbuwag mi, the Jonas who planned to settle down with me, my sweet and loving cupcake. I miss that person. Now I can’t seem to look at you the same way I feel for you. What happened my love? Naunsa jd diay ta. Was that 6months of being together just a nothing for you? Believe me. I want to ask you so many questions. I just don’t want to bother you anymore. Do I really not deserve any explanation love? Do I not deserve respect love? How come nabuhat na nimo nako love? Why did you have to change so much to the point nga I can’t even recognize you anymore. I am even doubting if tinood ba gyud to imong gipakita nako when we were together pa. But I know I will never get to know the answers to these questions. I’ll probably receive apologies but not explanations. Apologies nga maglibog sad ko if you actually meant it. I didn’t know you are actually capable of doing this to me. Honestly, I deny to believe it sometimes. That maybe you have reasons but I know I can’t defend your actions, they are just unjustifiable. And maybe that is just how I love, nga maski all I received in the end was betrayal and pain nalang my heart still chooses to see the good things. It chooses to have a blind eye because I really believed that you won’t do all these to me, that you won’t hurt because you were once cheated on. Turns out I am wrong. It was not me who wronged you, who cheated on you yet I was one of the girls who experienced sa imong revenge towards love. Anyways, I have been dreaming about you these past few days but only vivid one’s and I keep remembering you in nearly everything. When they were talking about the dairy queen sa icm, I remembered us passing by that when we first went to the city together, shockingly it was a consented laag by my parents. Of course, DonMac, we couldn’t grab our DonMac drinks sa Tagb since we were so full from the eat all you can, DonMac was great but it would have better if it was with you. Recently, the girls ordered a perfumed and I remembered you again, how I said to you to ask Julie to buy us another bottle adtung perfume nga tiggamit nimo since I like smelling it so much, it reminds me so much of you. Sadly, I can’t ask you to do it anymore. Whenever muagi ko aring cantambid pauli man or padong bisu, still makaremember pako adtung padong ta musimba for new year. We were even happier pa gani since consented nasad to nga lakaw natu. I never thought that would be our last simba together. Whenever mulabay kos sawang, I can remember clearly how we used to eat street foods there after class. Samot na tong nag Lomi ta after games nimo pag intrams. Whenever makadong kog maslog, I would remember nasad katong time nga gisupportaan tika sa imong games. Gisapot pa gyud ko atu sa akong naremember but we were okay afterwards. When we went to Loboc and Bilar, that time I was still very hopeful about us and I couldn’t help but remember our laags together. How we would go to places and be mesmerized by nature. How I am able to hug you from behind whenever ikaw ang magdrive sa motor. Funny kaayo no, I went out to forget about the situation yet u’re still the one I remembered when I held my manibela. I tried. I know I am trying so hard not to think about us, maybe my system is still processing pa jd. Mao pd siguro niy naka disadvantage sa dili kaayo limtanon no? geeez Whenever I see couples nga magride og motor maka remember jd ko natu, we were once like them. You would be angry pa gani if I won’t hug you. How I wish we could go back to those days, to the days that our love was stronger than anything else. Looking back, maybe katong time nga padong na ang POSE og pining ninyo was the time where we were tested so much with our patience and understanding sa usag-usa. And together we were able to overcome the tight schedule, the sleepless nights and everything else during that time. How brave of us that time love no? I admired us so much that time. For the whole 6months man pd we were both busy man jd, we were both working hard for our supposedly future together, we were each other’s companion during those months and it had me thinking and hoping for that future we talked about. Living in together before actually getting married. Spoiling our parents while slowly settling down. Oh how time flies, yet now I can only touch you through my laptop screen. All I can ever do now is reminisces all of our memories, reminisce the old you. Before I went sa imong mama when I found out the you were already courting someone else, I cried so hard. It was on the 2nd floor sa CTAS building, I couldn’t help my tears jd that time, I couldn’t even stay standing after hearing it. I was on the floor crying my heart out and I couldn’t even care more about everyone who might actually see me cry. I was at my weakest point that time. I uttered the words “laina niya uy”, feeling so betrayed that time. Maskin man karon I feel so betrayed gihapon that a months have passed. I feel betrayed knowing that you still said iloveyou during our breakup maskin kaybaw kas kaugalingon nmo nga duha duhaan naka nako atu. I feel betrayed that you had to tell me you’ll comeback when everything is okay na yet 2weeks later you have someone else na. You could’ve just told me about her, it will be painful I know but at least I know that for the last time you were honest with me, with what you felt. I feel betrayed that you won’t even talk to me personally, apologize to me personally, explain to me what exactly happened to us. I deserve an explanation love but I don’t want to demand it from you. Everyone tells me to ask for a closure but you keep on playing hide and seek with me whenever I try to reach out to you. It was as if I don’t deserve to be explained at all. And I felt that I deserve nga mabiyaan sa ere, just here clueless with so many unanswered questions and unsaid thoughts. Honestly, I want to be angry at you. Ganahan nalang ko masuko nmo so that maybe, just maybe I can actually move forward. But I can’t, I don’t know why my heart can’t get angry at you at all. It was as if I can never get angry at you at all. And I hate myself for that. I hate how my heart just continues to accept pain and never resents everything you had done. But yea, I don’t know if u’ll ever be able to read this letter but if you ever get the chance to read this, I genuinely hope you are happy. I hope you are now able to find the peace that my love couldn’t bring. If time wasn’t so cruel we’d be celebrating our 2nd Anniversary today. It pains me that life had to happen that way. I wish you the best my love. Sincerely, July 20, 2023