A letter from May 24, 2023

Dear, Future Me This will get to you in three years. I wonder what will have happened to me in that time. I hope it’s great and happy and full of all the things I’ve been thinking about lately. Im planning the trip to New Zeland I really hope I go. I really feel like i need to do this. I need to stop being so stuck and start living. Do you remember today? Probably perfectly still. Today was the day dad has his surgery. I was so scared all day. I never saw him like that before in that much pain, so scared. He was trying to be brave and funny. Like he always does to make me feel better about my life or what’s happening. But when he walked into the room and waved a little or when I was holding his hand after we were allowed in. I can still wrap my whole hand around one of his fingers. He’s always seemed untouchable. It was scary seeing him differently, this day has felt like a hundred years. Do you remember the drive home? The screaming, the crying. I have never cried like that before besides when mom told me she might have cancer. But that was a more sad quite cry. This one tonight it was loud and ugly and I couldn’t control it. I just love him so much I couldn’t fathom anything happening to him. Sorry to bring it all back up but I needed to get it out and who better to talk to then myself. Back to you I wish I could really talk to you, get you to tell me whats coming next. Life has been a ******* ride in the past three years so much has happened. A global pandemic, so many people passing away, moving away, having a break down and coming home. To finally making new friends and really reconnecting with old ones, becoming more myself, feeling more comfortable with who I am and what I look like. Going to therapy and realizing I was a ‘little’ messed up. But I’m working on it all, all the time. I’m trying so hard to be better for you. Give teddy the biggest snuggle for me, and I will for you. He is cuddled up beside me right now. Sometimes I think he’s the only reason I’m still here and not in a million pieces on the ground. He really is my soul dog. Keep pushing forward and no expectations in this letter or from me. I don’t care what I do for work. I just hope I’m happy, that you are happy. From your three years past you, 21 year old me