A letter from May 22, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hey you colossal idiot, yes YOU the idiot at the ripe age of 22 who still doesn't know what to do with her life and is still struggling to graduate. Doesn't it scare you that you will turn 23 in a few months? Today May 22nd, 2023 you took your chemistry final exam for the 2nd time and you are still terrified at the possibility of not being able to pass. It doesn't help that this is the last course you need to graduate. At this point I will be happy even with a barely passing grade. I don't know what will become of my life if I do not graduate this semester. I have too many regrets, why doesn't anyone else struggle as much as I do? Everyone else seems to be zooming by in life with one plan or another, so why can't you do it? Allah seems to know that I'm a measly ungrateful human being, so I continue to be tested. The week before the exam you spent it being sick and on your period and to make it even better you got a pink eye infection the day before the exam. It's almost like all the bad things are bound to happen one after another. Speaking of bad things, after the exam as you were leaving the campus, an old Spanish speaking women with a small white dog was sitting on one of the campus benches when the dog suddenly slipped out of its leash. The poor woman, not being able to run quick enough, couldn't catch up with the dog and horribly enough this dog was hit by a car in the oncoming traffic. The dog...Ruby, looked as though she passed away immediately. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. I won't lie, at that moment I felt jealous of that dog. How many times have you imagined being hit by a bus at the very thought of having to step on campus? Too many. I suppose this is Allah's ironic way of reminding me yet again how life can be taken as easily as it's given. Is it crass to say that I wish the same would happen to me if I do not graduate this semester? ....... I suppose that's enough of victimizing myself. Instead I will wholeheartedly beg. Allah please please please please please please by nothing short of a miracle allow me to pass this course. Im incredibly lacking as a person, the one thing I need more than anything in my life right now is consistency. I know graduating another semester late (or being able to at all) is not the end of the world but it is a **** shame and that hurts even more. It hurts to think of the disappointment my parents will feel with someone as mediocre as me. It won't be the end of the world, but it will be the end of my world for some time. I constantly tell myself that it's ok to go at your own pace, by why does my heart break at the thought that I am running out of time? I need to graduate this semester so I can move on. I need this to grow up and become a better adult, no , a better person. If I'm lucky enough to pass I will have the strength to do even better. I can't stand being in a constant sinkhole for any longer. I'm just 22 but why does it feel so exhausting? FutureMe, how much longer did you end up being in mental agony at the thought of not being able to graduate? Hopefully it's not much longer. Were you able to graduate? Please let it be a yes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------