A letter from May 02, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I'm writing this with not a 'heavy heart' but maybe like a moderately-dense-heart that has been held up for an uncomfortable amount of time and my arm is aching. The only thing that has been filtering through my mind is thoughts about my future, so maybe you can answer? Will I be in New York by now celebrating with whatever best friends I have the good fortune to cherish at the moment? Will I have stayed in Santa Barbara for another year? Will I still be thinking about loving and being loved every day? Is sunny warm weather still the most perfect thing? Am I in love with someone again? Have I been since? I hope Christian isn't still one of the few people I feel comfort around. He truly was back then. Being 17 and being a teenager in love. It takes me back instantly when I see a photo. Or see something that reminds me of him. Or thinking of him with another girl. I'm not jealous or anything but can't help feeling a bittersweet twinge in my heart. I loved him god I was so in LOVE with him. I know he loved me too. He acts different now. Around other people, but when I'm with him I can't help feeling what I feel. Leaning in, touching him, smiling... I know he must feel the same way, the way he reaches out almost like he can't help wanting to be closer to me too. We both have different lives now, ones that aren't intertwined with each other like before. But it's like our souls know how we used to be, even if we don't consciously remember or feel it. Almost like a faraway feeling saying love again! touch! kiss! look into each others eyes! you will feel it you will!! He doesn't put an effort in though to talk. Not reaching out, it's out of courtesy I suppose considering he's talking with someone. We're not together anymore, I can't be mad. I'm not. I don't think it's missing how it used to be. It's missing him. We broke up almost two years ago im not in love. But the love I have will always be there for him. Maybe he will be married by the time you're reading this. Idk why I'm thinking about this so much, there's more I care about but I guess I know we would be so good together if we were close with helping each other with stuff like this. He was the only one who really knew how to make me feel better. Not just distracting me where I would figure it out myself, but helping me feel better about it. anything and everything. I remember laying with him last summer. He had just moved in and we were talking. He told me forever and always. like he used to say. i miss him so much I feel like how I felt in high school. But I'm not 17 anymore. I am graduating college in a month and can't help thinking I actually don't have what I want figured out. I was okay with this fact for the longest time but now I am procrastinating schoolwork again to write and ignoring my LinkedIn notifications and my throat is tight trying not to cry while on the 4th floor of the library. I think if I had a job I wouldn't be worried so much. But I know the desk job and 9-5 lifestyle where I live for the weekends is not what I want. I want to prove everyone wrong. Everyone who internally scoffs when I say I'm a comm major or thinks negatively about not having something lined up after college. idk idk. Maybe I just need a hug I know what i DO want. I want to be financially free, unreliant on anyone. I want to be living in new york. I want to still be going. I hope you're still going. I hope you're happy and happy in life and in love and living a happy life in love with life. You do that mostly now, but I mean doing all this with no impending feelings. At least it's sunny today I used to look forward to the unknown. Excited for it. Now it's just tougher to do that. My heart has been aching recently. I think about too many things and too many possibilities. I'm listening to this song right now- Salt Lake City by Etta Marcus and Matt Maltese. It's sad but good. Feels exactly how I feel right now. Be in New York. You can do it. You can do it all. You made it to Santa Barbara like you knew you would. You made it to Spain and explored Europe like you know you would. Not being a student isn't that terrible is it. You have complete freedom now without all those assignment deadlines. You can make a living and a life that you think about all the time. You will be in New York and celebrating today. You will have a really cute apartment. Maybe even a dog like we always imagined. I love you. It will be okay. Hit me back with an epilogue when you see this. And Happy Birthday, 23 is a good number of years to celebrate.