A letter from Dec 02, 2022

Dear FutureMe, My life philosophy is that I was put on this earth to make it a better place for other people. Generally, I do not enjoy my life. I often wish that I never was alive. However, I know it would hurt the people around me if I were to **** myself; it could give them trauma that would take years of healing to recover. I would never want to cause anyone any form of harm, and I especially would not want to hurt those who care most about me. I have hated myself since middle school, and it breaks my heart that I will have to spend every day of my life being the person I hate most in this world (I don’t hate anyone else though lol). Most days I make myself so miserable that I wish that I was never born. If I hate life, but refuse to end it, and leave myself with very few options. One of which is to life my life in a manner that is not focused on my own personal benefit or happiness. I don’t know that I could ever truly live a happy life; hence, my objective in this world is to live a life of service to others, not one that is enjoyable. Currently, my goal is to become a doctor to work to save the very thing I hate most: life. I know this seems quite ironic to be so dedicated to protecting something that I don’t even want for myself, but its a complicated issue. While I may wish that this earth was never created, I know that some people do enjoy life, at least parts of it. If those people want to live, and I could use my brain to help them, I would be honored to do so. Helping people live so that they have the option to enjoy their lives is not my objective. My goal is to help people live so their loved ones don’t experience the inevitable yet excruciating pain of losing them too soon. I have seen my own family struggle with this pain, and I have felt this suffering myself. It is something that I never would want another person to experience. For that reason, if I were to work so hard to save lives, I would not only be helping the few that enjoy theirs, but I’d also be making the lives of others a little less painful. At the end of the day, that is all I could ever want in this life: to make the lives of others a little less painful. I don’t wish a joyful life nor do I expect to bring joy to others; I simply hope and pray that I am able to use the abilities God has given me to reduce the suffering of others on this miserable planet he created. Currently, everything I do is rooted in self-preservation (efforts to not **** myself) and working towards getting into medical school (so I can commence my learning of how to make the lives of others a little less miserable). I feel very guilty because currently, I don’t think I am making anyone’s life better. When the purpose of your life is to make others’ better and you are not doing so, you constantly feel extremely unfulfilled. I have to tell myself that I have to be selfish now to prioritize my learning so that I am able to help people later on. It is still very hard for me. I am so sad all of the time and always anxious. I pray that God would take my life, but I know that is very selfish of me. I wish the earth never existed. I am writing this because maybe the reader will be more mentally stable than I am on this chilly December 2022 evening. Maybe the reader will be less. I don’t know. However, to the reader, whatever mental state you might be in, never lose sight of your purpose. Your life has a purpose whether you want it to or not, and taking that life will hurt someone. You are meant to fulfill your purpose. Let this letter serve as a reminder of that.