Please be okay

Hi [S]. I hope you’re doing well. I really do. This message is being written in your journal, and sent to you through futureme.org . That website motivated me to write here again. It’s been two years, and I wanted to update you on what has happened. Truth be told, I was terrified of writing this. I still am. I don’t want to influence any of your actions through nostalgia, because I believe in you, and I believe that you’re wiser now. What I’m also terrified, is the trajectory of your life. You’re in a good place right now, you’re happy. You currently work in a casino as a Roulette dealer. [...]. Your favourite pitboss is [N], due to the fact that he actually takes care of his staff, gives everyone fair breaks, and most importantly, he wrestles in the mud with you and argues back. You have a fair number of friends at the casino. [...]. Are you still in touch with any of them? What about your other friends, like [...], the rest of the boys from 6th form. Do you still talk to them? What about the GTA RP people, remember those days? Staying up all night, chasing [Sa], fighting and hanging out with people like [J] and [L]. Do you still talk to people like [Da] or [Dr]? [Da] had a good head on his shoulder, maybe you should check up on him. Tell him about the time capsule, he’ll have a good laugh at it. What about dad? Is he still alive? Were you a good son to him, or did you continue destroying everything and everyone that’s ever loved you? Look, I’m sorry for the turn of emotions, I just really don’t like me that much, but I hope you’re the kind of person I would like to be. Please ******* tell me dad’s alive, or at least you were a good ******* son, please. If you told me you’re in prison, I wouldn’t be surprised. If you told me you’re an astronaut, I wouldn’t be surprised. If you told me you work for the MI6 I wouldn’t be surprised. If you told me you’re still happy, I would be surprised. If you told me that you kept every good thing around you and didn’t destroy them, I would be surprised. How is [Ma]? I ******* love her. I see her. None of my past mistakes can ever be rectified. I tortured her mentally, and made her mental illness worse. A couple of weeks ago, I convinced her to look at me the way I should be looked at, and made her realise that I am the monster in the relationship, and she’s a victim of my abuse. She finally sees it. I did good. Despite now fully knowing and accepting that I’m a ******* monster, she still trusts me and wants to stay with me. Please tell me you still have her man, and at the very least, please tell me it wasn’t your fault. It’s hard to imagine her doing something that would make you break up, but please don’t tell me you ****** the one person who made you the happiest man in the world. Please tell me she’s still around, or at the very least safe. Remember when she would do her weird walks, her shivers, her focusing on things, her dumb run towards you just to hug you? I ******* hate writing on this journal because I know I’ll look back on it and cry again. I really don’t like myself, and I suspect I won’t like you either. Please prove me wrong. Please tell me this will be read with bittersweet tears, and not when you’re on the verge of ******* ******* yourself. I was gonna ask you if you actually went through with studying Psychology in university. I had a lot of questions about that. I wanted to ask you if you ever reconnected with [Sa]. I wanted to ask you if you still work in a casino. All of that seems inappropriate for this time. I just wanna know if you’re doing okay man. Is dad happy with you, Is [Ma] happy with you, do you have kids yet, or are you alone, like you always wanted to be? I’m sorry, I started crying again. I don’t cry that often anymore, but this journal really triggers something within me. I am really ******* scared. I don’t want to see what future holds for me. I could cope and say I’ll adapt, but truth be told, it’s not about adapting, it’s about the fact that I can handle sadness. I wanna be happy, I wanna be happy with the people I got. I really ******* hope you got [Ma] and your dad by your side. I hope your brother is better mentally. I hope you’re happy. If you’ve ****** everything up, please, I beg of you, please get professional help right now. Institutionalise yourself if you have to. Explain it to them later. They’ll find it odd, they’ll worry, but you need help. Please get help. I ******* hate you, but I love you. I believe in you. Please get the ******* help, and write back. Hopefully if the website still functions, you’ll read this in 3 years. I hope you’re happy. [Ma], if you’re reading this, I’ll always love you and I’ve always loved you. Thank you for bringing me so much happiness. Thank you for teaching me how to be like you. Thank you for teaching me to smile, to be nice, to be liked by others. I really really ******* hope you’re well [Ma] please be ******* well.