A letter from Dec 01, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Yesterday, while I was on practice Zumba with my classmates. On break time, I scrolled over on twitter and saw Student Nurses becoming officially RN, Registered Nurses. I was like, wondering If I could make on that point. Like I'm not confident much on this path. On honestly speaking, I feel going to fail this semester. Did I even get all lessons on my head? No. Did I learn somehow? Probably but I'm not good enough like Maxine who could excel this profession. I'm not like her whose intelligent and hard working. People saying had moles in their head likely be geniuses, well guess what. I'm not and I can't be. Nursing is hard I know but I didn't think much this choice at all. I don't have dream...well I do. I want to leave this stinky country so bad and migrate on other country. Live there all alone and you know, have simple life I want. Make garden with full of flowers on my backyard and watch sunset in afternoon. Look at moon in my veranda and gaze at stars with wonders. Life comfortably, able to sleep all day without someone waking me up. Do my own chores, have two story house. Adopt cats that I've been dreaming right now. Write and be author then publish it. I'm okay with three copies of book, I'll just keep them. At least I make my dream come true by being able to publish it even though the reader was myself only but... Seriously what is wrong with that kind of dream. It's just simple, I want simple. Why do I need to work hard for simple dream that so hard to achieve? Do I look someone want to be Nurse and take care of sick people when me myself can't take care of my own? I'm stupid idiota who can't memorize an single page of book. My dream doesn't even exist on courses at college but I'm forced to take this path for my family. I'm eldest and this is **** reality that I need to live with. In future, even If I'm able to reach my dream of living all alone. I know my family will live with me instead because they need someone like me to take care of them. Make money for my sibling, for him to be able enter college also since my mother who worked for this family want to retire after I finish college. If I get work that I really don't want at all, I need to feed my family cause its my turn now. Did I even ask to be born to just suffer like this? I want to travel abroad, visit my favorite countries such Japan, Denmark, New Zealand and many more. I want to take cruise ship, all myself even though I'm scared on sea but on those type of plannings. I need to insert my family on those pictures since they can't let me go. Do I drink? No. Smoke ****? No. Part at Night? No. Escape on house at night? No. Able to have fun at my teenager life? No....never. My mother control all over things on me, she was like. You can't live without my advice. I can't live without her is what it resulting. I wonder If I'm not eldest in this family. Could I live the life I want? Cause I'm so envious on my younger sibling being able to look good and went out all he want. Learning to ride motorcycle and going on far away places that...never in life. I experience. I'm so hurt that it's hard for me to be happy because of worries in responsibilities. I'm just young...I should know to have fun at younger age cause when I get older. I'll be just one of boring old people out there, working *** off for money to send to their family. How lucky those people already have everything on their hands....I want to rest. Give me a break. I want to breathe and be hear out cause I'm continuously breaking. You can't...no one can't fix me because they didn't even know behind my smile. I'm suffering inside cause no one cares about me.