I wished I love you more.

Dear Future Me. Do you still think about your past? Do you still think about running away and starting a new life? Do you still think everyone should disappear? Do you still wish you were more loved? Do you still silently cry in the dead of night? Do you still live in a house where it's you against the world? Do you still mourn the lack of parental approval? Does your dad know at one point he was your hero? Have you started choosing yourself? Do you feel constantly used by your family? Does mum still lie about saying I'm the reason my dad cheats so much? Do you still think of when you'd be one of your parent's favourites? Do you still think of how you weren't allowed to pursue sports but your twin brother was? Do you still blame Dad for everything? Does mum realize yet she was also the issue? Do you still see yourself with so much hate? Do you still live a lie? Do you still want to be a graphic designer? Do you still want to own a clothing brand? A studio? Do you still shrink in a room? Do you still have those dreams where you **** Dad? Do you have those thoughts where you **** Mum? Do you still see yourself burning the house down? The world? Does mum still say that you'd be like Dad? Does your twin brother still wear your clothes even though you could have never worn his because you'd "stretch them out"? Does the family still pretend that the family isn't damaged and deep down hate each other, however slight? Are you still the ugly twin? Are you still the fat twin? Are you still the stupid twin? Are you still hyper-fixated on being better than your twin? Are you still aiming to be your best self? Are you still bothered by others' opinions? Have you looked into choosing your own family? Are you still as close to your sister as you wanted to be? Are you still the good-for-nothing twin? Are you still searching for someone who believes in and sees you for you? Are you handling conflict better? Are you still a nice person? Are you still the odd one out? Are you still pushing for success as a revenge act or for another reason? Have you started going out again or do you still stay shut in? Do you still remember the scar on your finger from when mum wanted to **** Dad and you tried to stop her? Are you still conscious of your body image? Have you found the piece of yourself you lost with Jey? Is there a single soul that knows how deep and dark the inside of you really is? Whatever the case might be and you're still here. I hope you've left the past behind as you don't need or never have to accept it. I hope you still see yourself as great as you truly are. I hope you're living a life that's full. Travelling seeing the world. Doing all your crazy ideas, getting every single piercing and tattoo you want. Dying your hair whatever colour you want. Not giving **** about your teeth. Learned an instrument. Being as quirky and precious as you were when you were a child. I hope you're giving the love you wish you received to someone you'll spend forever raising but most importantly to yourself, as you can never fill a cup if yours is empty. I hope you're surrounded by people who love you for you and never want you to change. I hope you still love listening to music as much as you did growing up and escape into it. I hope you're at least muscular by now too. I hope you see levels of success beyond the moon but never forget where you're from and help those who are in need. I hope you can stand in a crown and see yourself as the odd one out and love every bit of it. I pray for you to look anyone and everyone in the face and tell them to **** off when they've offended because you're the king of your own hill. This letter is from that 11-year-old boy in those glasses that he hated wearing and walked with his chest down. I'm crying so much as I write this. I hope you make me so ******* proud and grow into someone that past me would look and think is so cool. Nothing last forever and you don't have to perfect. I love you so much, Tariq! More than you can imagine. I wished I love you more when we were growing up. I hope our (past me and future me) story changes from the pain of a one-sided love story, where they were very few good memories to fall back on and more pain, and rejection to take in. I hope you've created more happy memories than grains of sand by the time this letter finds you. I love you so much and I'm sorry for not realizing how much I did or should have. I hope you read this and really see this. I hope that little boy in your heart never disappears. I love you so much, Tariq!