A letter from Nov 08, 2022

Dear Future Me, how are you? Are you still as sad as you were before? Are you still not sure how to process all the feelings? Are you still insanely shy and anxious and not confident around people? Are we still forced into after-school activities by dad, when all we actually wanna do is cry and think? Are we still so afraid of failing and not being number one, that we can't have good experiences? Does the therapy actually work now? Have you figured your identity out? Right now I can't tell if I like him, wanna be him, or idealize him. Are you finally confident in your appearance, enough to be in a relationship? do you finally have real, nice friends who you can fully trust, and who aren't always busy? Do you have a real BEST friend that you couldn't live without, and that couldn't live without you? Are you having a good birthday with friends and family? Right now I hate myself physically and mentally. I'm not chubby enough to call myself fat, but not skinny enough to wear the cute crop tops everyone else is wearing. Why can't I be confident like everyone else? Why can't I make friends like everyone else? Why do I talk less than everyone else? Why does my life seem to suck more than so many other people's? I know someone that is having a worse life than me, and I don't want to seem like my life sucks, but it does. No loving, caring, mothering figure to get us through our life as a woman. No close friends to help me through it. Everyone at school seems to know my name, yet not that many people talk to me. How do I deal with this, and have I dealt with it yet? Have we changed our entire way of life to make more friends and fit in? Have we embraced ourselves as a lonely nerd? -From yourself 3 years before, in 2022. It's almost my birthday!