A letter from Oct 31, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Don’t really know in what language to write this but since this is already English I guess I’ll keep it that way. So today is Halloween and I’m staying alone in my room. A bit sad haha, I’m not going to any party but honestly I don’t have the energy right now. School or life (idk) has really been draining me, I’m so tired all the time. I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I’m bulking right now which has been going quite well during school, but now that I have holiday, I don’t have a routine and it’s hard to eat regularly/enough. I’m just too lazy to do it. But I’m getting a bit off track. The reason I’m writing the letter to you/me (?) is because of the enlistment news, which have been announced for a bit now (a few weeks maybe only one? Idk time feels weird in general right now). I wanted to write this letter sooner, but like I said, I’m especially lazy now for some reason, or maybe I’ve always been like this 🤷🏽‍♀️. Jin is getting closer to finally leaving and it’s making me really sad. He published his solo a few days ago and the message is just so sweet🥹. Love him so much. All of them. They truly never fail to make me happy and seeing them leave one by one is surely going to make me tear up at one point. But it won’t be that long until they’re all together again right? I mean 2 to 3 years sounds like a lot but like I said: time feels weird. Sometimes it feel like it doesn’t move at all and at other times a month has suddenly passed. And this period of my life will surely be packed to the rim so time will probably fly. I mean I’m ******* doing my Abitur. I’ll be an adult in half year. I still feel thirteen. Oh and I set this date because I read somewhere that that’s when the last member will come back but I don’t know if that’s true. I have no idea what to do with my life, I would hope you are now more sure what to do, but knowing myself I still don’t know. (I don’t know what pronouns to use right now so this will be all over the place haha) Well my plan for the near future right now is to fly to turkey with Larissa after Abitur and work there. After that I’ll start going to Uni for architecture and try it out I guess. To be honest, I kind of already have a feeling that I’ll drop out, but I don’t have a better idea and it won’t hurt to at least try I guess. I really wonder what my final grade on my graduation will be. I really wish it would be like 1,7 or something but I’m quite positive that that will not happen. The thing is I’m really frustrated about that. No matter what I do, I don’t get better, actually more the opposite: I feel like I’m getting worse. I recently got my math test back and I got 10 points even though I studied like two weeks for it. And it wasn’t even hard!! Why do I still make stupid mistakes?? I worked so hard for it. I’m afraid my whole life will be like this.. working hard but not achieving my goals. I don’t know what to do. I also regret not going to the ******* FREE bts concert. It was the last (for now). To be honest I don’t know what I regret more: not going to the 2018/19 tour or now. I guess back then I wasn’t in this deep in the fandom, but it literally would have meant so much, because that’s about the era when I joined and the songs of that time speak to me a lot. But this time I was just outright stupid. I didn’t even try to go. I didn’t even put in any effort. It’s like I’m just drifting around. I’m just living from day to day. I’m just lazy, that’s what it feels like. I’m really unhappy at this moment. I don’t have anything to really look forward for in the near future. I’m just … here I guess. Existing. I hate it. So what I hope is that in the future, I do, and I mean actually DO, something. That I actually LIVE. Like I don’t expect to be suddenly settled for life with 20 or anything, but I just wished I lived a bit more. Maybe a boyfriend too? At least some experience? I don’t even know what to think about money. The only thing in that area I care about right now, is having enough for the concert when they’re back together. I want, no, I NEED to be there. Maybe I’ll be so unlucky to have the money but not the luck to get the tickets, but I just wish that even if I don’t get rockest on my first try, I will keep trying. Please don’t give up that easily. Fly to another country for the concert, save up enough. I have no idea how the world will look in the future with the ongoing inflation, but PLEASE universe or god or whatever higher being there is, let me go to the concert. This is the biggest dream my teenage self has right now for the (near?) future. I know there are more important things but I’d just really like to go. They make me so happy and cheer me up when I’m sad. I’d just like to be there once with everyone - army and bts. FutureMe, I hope you’re happy.