A letter from Nov 8th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Here I am again, writing another letter to my future self. Apparently, if you write these letters where you talk about your hopes for the future, they actually come true. I think you already know what I am talking about. And maybe you know why I am writing this letter. But firstly, I hope you are ready and packed, for the greatest adventure of your life; going for your masters in the US. It doesn't matter much what university you have chosen to go to because I firmly believe your late 20s are going to chart the way for your successful career. And I believe you are excited to meet Vishwa. You cannot wait to meet him, and hug him, and kiss him. And finally, embrace each other after a painful year of a long-distance relationship. Well, I am still in it, so you better believe it is painful. Maybe at that point, you have forgotten how painful 2021 has been for you. Just like I don't remember my struggles from 2020, even though I believe they were massive. But God, would I give anything to go back to 2020 rather than living in 2021. Because this year has just been fucking hard. And at this point, there aren't a lot of things under my control. Well, anyway let me tell you, I am very happy for you and I hope you are smiling while reading this. We got through it, bitch. We got through it. Anyway, back to your 2021 troubles. Because I don't know who else to rant to, and who will understand my problems better than you. You who already knows what it fucking feels like. It has been hard, I am not gonna lie. It has been dark for a while, some days feel like hell. Thank god I still have good days. Maybe they are the only thing keeping me sane now. I thought my early 20s would be light and breezy and fun, maybe a little scary but still learning new things and going along with it cheerfully. But nothing had prepared me for being thrust into a never-ending cycle of a chronic illness (have you forgotten your eczema? xP) , and nothing has prepared me for the overwhelming frustration, anxiety, depression, and body insecurities that have accompanied it. I feel like I have spent my entire year trying to cure my skin diseases and yet I have reached nowhere close to my destination, even though we are in November. Such is the cruel irony of life. Sometimes I think the universe is laughing at me. Sometimes I think I deserve to be punished like this, because of the mistakes I have committed in past. But have I been that bad to suffer this much? I am so tired. I am so exhausted. Today when I woke up, I remembered I had gone into bed positive affirming that I will see a difference today. Yet when I woke up today and looked into the mirror, I didn't have the courage to go through another day worrying about my skin and my immunity and my body. I just don't know where to find any more strength. It feels like all my strength goes into making sure that all my healthy routines of the day are complete. I have even given up on my career growth to focus completely on my health. Yet healing is so slow and so fucking frustrating that it's sucking the life and joy out of me. Some days I feel like a black hole. Remember lying on the bathroom floor and crying? I just did that last week. No, it wasn't pleasant. Yes, I know that after 2 years I am finally addressing the root cause of my eczema and warts, which is my liver, gut, kidneys and my immune system. I know my yoga and diet and positive thinking and medicinal treatments are going to bring about some changes. Maybe I will never get rid of these ailments. (At this point I am ready to accept that). Maybe I will die with them and this is supposed to be my entire life. But I just can't find the energy to care about it so much anymore. The last three months have been intense, they have been mentally exhausting. Every day seems to pose a new challenge. Every day is requiring too much effort. And at the end of the day it's just failure because, for the life of me, I cannot seem to understand why I never see any difference in my skin. I think it has been the hardest thing to accept that I am not beautiful anymore. Those days of mine have long gone. Maybe it was supposed to be like this. I really don't know. But I do have my life, I do have other things to look forward to. I am just learning to accept myself even though it has been the hardest thing to do, and every day I have to start from scratch. But two steps forward and one step backward is still one step forward. And I am holding on to that hope. Don't ever stop positive affirmations. Even though it feels like I do positive affirmations but none of them ever comes true, at least while doing them I feel good. At least I know I am doing everything I can. Even if I get defeated, at least I know I gave my 100% in the battle. I decided long back that I am not going down without a fight. And I kept my promise. I am not going down just yet. But you know, I do need to take a break now. I need to stop giving so much of my energy to this. It doesn't feel very sustainable. And it hurts more when you hardly see results. Sometimes life kicks you hard. And then it punches you while you are down. And it keeps punching you till you cannot breathe. Till you are suffocating. Till you are at the brink of your strength and willpower. And then it punches you once more. One long, hard punch to put you down to your place. That is how life works. How fascinating it is that I learned this at 23. At least I understand now what struggle is. The ones who are less fortunate than us, the ones who are battling poverty and sicknesses and traumas, I understand to an extent what it feels like. And I have incredible respect for them. And for me. If anything, I am proud of myself. And I do love myself. I am sure you love yourself. If you don't, it would be sad. Because we have worked really hard for that. How is it possible to change so much and still not be able to change anything at all? A question that has the capability to keep you awake at night. But listen, I have to tell you something. I am hopeful about the future. I am hopeful about healing. I don't know what state/phase you are in. I don't know how much you have overcome by then, but deep in my gut, I have a feeling that you are doing a lot better. And I am really happy about that. Remember what it took to get there. And even if you are in the same place as I am right now, remember what it has taken to be at a place where you are at peace with whatever life you have been given. Don't forget to love yourself. Treat your body like a temple. I am serious, don't ever drink or smoke or overeat unhealthy junk. Don't do drugs, even out of peer pressure. But don't give yourself a hard time too for not looking the best or the most perfect. Honestly, who cares? I am looking my worst right now and I don't give a shit about it. Pro tip: STOP looking at that damn mirror. It can become your enemy very fast. Keep eating your greens, keep hydrating A LOT, don't ever quit yoga and mindfulness and gratitude journaling, take your proper supplements, and get your beauty sleep of 8-9 hours (No activity on phone is more important than this). Smile widely, laugh every chance you get, even if you are not so happy about your teeth (Which is a whole thing again LOL). Make new friends, don't forget to be kind and caring. There are no boundaries on being nice and loving someone. Give it your everything, constantly try to make the people around you feel better. There is no greater joy than contributing to another person's joy. Study with dedication, and keep fuelling the passion we have for our field. We are definitely going to do something meaningful in our lives. I can feel it. Don't worry about me. I will be alright. I will keep doing my health routines and taking care of myself. And I will stop overthinking about things that are literally out of our control. Accept and move forward, when tough times hit you. You just get ready for your flight and the new chapter of your life. If you have tears by now, then that's proven that I am a damn good writer. Never stop writing, it's a talent that has been gifted to us. Don't let it go to waste. I love you with all my heart. You can count on me always. When you are going through a tough phase, you can come back and read this, and be assured that you have dealt with tough times before. And you can do it again. Happy Journey! Have a safe flight. Love, Juyee from 2021 PS. Juyee from 2020 says she loves you too. Even that bitch has been through a lot, but she worked hard for me (2021 Juyee). I will work hard for you too.