A letter from May 14th, 2021

Dear FutureMe,Im going to be honest with you.Life SUCKS right now. Im in America as you may know.moved 3 months ago .Sheema k found out about my ed and she told my fam and now I'm recovery trying to cheat my way through(hiding food, not following my meal plan, trying to make the lowest calorie options).You know the ****.First week of recovery was sooooo draining I was continuously feeling suicicdal and I hated it so much.I still very much am tho nothing has changed.Today and yesterday was eid ,sucked so much.The fact that it did made me so sad.Ive lost myself and can't seem to find anything that makes me happy.Its like I'm stuck is this hole and every time I try climbing up I fall back even further than before.Its never ending and I wouldn't wish on anybody to go through this cause its so ******.IT BREAKS my heart how much has changed I never expected myself to be going through so much.I wish someone could just pull me out I wish I could unlearn the calories in everything and I wish I didn't have to give up everything in my life for a stupid number on the scale cause to me that's worth more than my own happiness.Everybite I take comes with a number numbers that keep adding on but ones I hope never did.But why?why do I contantly worship stupid numbers?idk I don't feel in control anymore my Ed has taken control over me I'm stuck in this abusive relationship and internally a part of me is begging and crying for help and I still don't listen.I.am.so.exhausted.I hope you are doing better I hope you've overcome this I'm begging you to fight for me for younger me cause ik you wanna look back and be like I battled the deadliest mental illness in the world.Even if you are still struggling that's fine.Just keep fighting and STOP FKING giving into a stupid voice.Trust me we both didn't choose to have it and I really wish I could just kick it out.but keep on fighting I don't care how hard it gets.Dont let society tell you what is beautiful and what isn't cause you reading this rn are so so pretty.happy early birthday present I love you so much take care of urself and take ur own advice plus use humor to cope plsss