A letter from December 17th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, This letter is to help you remember Alistair who was lost this year in July to COVID. This letter is painful to write but I feel I have to for fear that I'll forget the details of how good and how much Alistair means to me. This letter is also in part to let off some grief since I wasn't able to go to the funeral and I haven't gone to visit grandma and grandpa yet. The thought of holding Alistair's urn just really devastated me. As far back as I can remember, I had always adored Alistair. He was what a lonely, anxious kid needed in a big brother figure. He was patient, kind, and funny. I had rarely ever seen him get angry. And if he did, it was for the right reasons. He had an uncanny ability to read me, maybe because he was also the youngest of two so maybe he understood the feeling of being left out or out of place. We would go to his house often and I knew that whenever he was there that he would see me, he would love me, and he would take away all my unnecessary fears and loneliness with just a great big bear hug. He also introduced me to many movies! I remember when we watched "Little Miss Sunshine" together with his high school friends. I remember when he frantically got up to wave his hands furiously across the tv screen to block out Steve Carrell's character snorting lines in the bathroom. I remember trying to watch **** Bill (I don't know which one) and discretely leaving for the bathroom because the eye gauging scene was a little too much for me ( I was probably 8 at the time). I remember laughing hysterically with you when we watched Rush Hour 3 and you told me to leave the room when it got to raunchy parts. I remember you and Marco watching Phineas and Ferb with me and you were both laughing uncontrollably at it. This is when I realized that "grownups/big kids" could also laugh at kid stuff. I remember laying in your room with you and just looking up at the ceiling or looking at the many photos you had along one corner of the room, asking you about everyone in them and laughing at one particular photo (hopefully you remember the one). I remember playing with the Stewie figurine you had and incessantly pressing the button to hear Stewie say some of his famous catchphrases. I remember playing with the Kenny figurine you hung on you fan string/switch. I remember when you brought Melissa to your house and you introduced her to us as your girlfriend. I remember how happy you were. I remember when you bought Oogie Boogie together as a couple. I remember when Melissa stopped coming around and I had probably either kept it to myself or kept asking where she was. Eventually I would find out that Melissa had been seeing someone else behind your back and had gotten pregnant by said guy. I remember how silly you were, you were always ready to laugh or watch a funny movie. I wish I had visited more often. I wish I had gotten to know Jenni more. I hope you weren't conscious when Jenni died. I hope you never found out that Jenni had died. I didn't know Jenni very well but I know that you and Jenni would have been happy together as a couple. I know you and Jenni would have been wonderful parents. Especially you. Every time, I left your house after spending time together, I was always very sad because I didn't want to leave. You made me feel so loved and seen and cared for. At this point, I can't imagine the first time I'll get to hold you again after a long time, will be as I hold your urn. It still seems surreal that you aren't here anymore. At this point, I am still very young I know (I'm 20) but I think your ***** will be one of my first and biggest heartbreaks of my life.