A letter from December 16th, 2020

Dear Alex, Today you are 30 years old....I imagine if 25 was difficult, 30 was something else. We are in our last quarter of veterinary school before clinics. Did we ever figure out our path? Did we stick to our passion, or did we find a new passion? Are we still strong as ****? I am going to be pissed if we stopped working out!!! Life has been challenging in quarantine, it's deeply lonely, and it doesn't help finding out we're bipolar. While not everyday is a struggle, sometimes it's really hard to get out of bed. This is the first year we're not going home for Christmas, and it hurts to be in this situation trying to keep it all together. I hope we got better help and are more stable than right now. It's volatile sometimes, pushing people away, and then wondering why we're so isolated. Please tell me you got out of Arizona. Please tell me our life is full of adventure and excitement, and everyday has a new thrill. Buddy is still alive (although I wouldn't be surprised if he is still alive when you get this). He's the biggest pain in my ***, so needy and grumpy at the same time, but he gives me reason to move forward. But boy oh boy does he smell. He's currently laying on his bed as I right this, snoring softly. I don't think he'll ever realize how much we love him. He's the world's worst dog but he's ours. What happened with Jack? Right now, we've been in love with him for the past two years and although he continues to break my heart, I can't let him go. He sees the real me. He makes me feel so alive and full when I am with him, and I want to hold him all the time and memorize every detail of his face because I know we're not going to last forever. But nothing wonderful in life lasts forever, does it? Or maybe it does, and I'm just cynical and jaded right now. It's hard loving someone more than you love yourself. It makes it all the harder to grow. I really hope we've grown. I hope that today, on our 30th birthday, you reflect on everything we have been through, both good and bad, to get to this point in our life. I am really afraid you're not going to be around to read this, and it breaks my heart. Please be around to read this. You are so full of light and goodness and beauty, and you have so much to give to the world. You give so much warmth and strength to those around you and people admire how incredibly amazing you truly are. Please keep kicking *** and lighting up the world. You are beautiful, and brave, and smart, and ******* hilarious, and I don't say it enough but I love you. Happy birthday you crazy ***** Xoxo, 25 year old Alex