A letter from December 10th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, hey...how’s it going. i’m am sending this right now at the age of 15 on December 10, 2020. i hope that covid has gone away...it absolutely sucks and has ruined so many things for us. how’s you and foster? he makes us really happy and i’m glad we found him. really has changed me so far and continues to make me feel so special. i hope he lasts for a long long time. if something happened i hope it didn’t hurt much. anyways next thing. how’s our friendship with kennley. she was the other best thing that happened to us this year. she is the best friend that i only imagined of having when we were little. i hope it lasts forever. we got so close and honestly she is my support system. don’t know what i would do without her to be honest. no one knows this but we wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for her. i was going to **** myself. which leads me to my next question...are we happy...things are so hard right now. it’s unbelievable able. i wanted to self harm a lot lately. have we done it recently? what about our self worth...is that better? do we believe in ourself? i’m asking all of this because sometimes i don’t think i will make it through this and i don’t know what i would do. i talk to people and it’s just not enough. nothing seems to be enough to help me stay here sometimes. but we prevail and stay here and keep fighting. next question is how is our anxiety? i know it has held us back really far from things. we could have had a totally different life because of this fricken anxiety. i really hate it. by the time you are reading this you are in college i think. what college did we choose. did we still stick to being a mechanical engineer? have we proved that we are good enough to do anything that we wanted to do? have we proved ourself to everyone? i know that we were always worried if we would be good in this field. i never really felt smart enough for this job. i hope we believe in ourself now...if not then we should be proud because we deserve it. this next question is hard...how’s mom and dad? are they still together? we know that they have argued a lot but hopefully it has gotten better...how’s dad? is he getting better? i don’t want i ask this but is he still with us? i hope he is because he is supposed to be there for a lot of my life...next is how is my sisters? are they achieving everything in their life? i always expected them to do great things with their life....(even tho elina is right now across from me watching anime) anyways next question. how’s the friend train going? do we have a lot of friends? are we more social than we are now? gosh i hope so...i never really made a lot of friends at the moment. we mainly just stayed in our friend group... we should have expanded our horizon but it’s okay. next question...how’s volleyball? did we finally make the high school team? are we better at that sport? this was always a ruff one. we love this sport but never seem to get really good at it. or be good enough. someday we will figure it out right? anyways this next one isn’t really a “question” but if you had to tell me one thing right now or warn past me (which is me now) what would you tell me? should i have gotten my act together? did i screw something up that is unfixable? does my family still love me? yikes, i am thinking way to into this. okay i need to calm down. back to questions that i will never know... how’s our love life? did we finally find someone? i hope so, we always feared being alone because i don’t ever feel pretty or that anyone will ever like me...it’s weird...like i said before i barely have any self love. gosh, this letter could go on forever. i have so many things that i want to know and to ask you. honestly it’s a bunch of if i’m happy. to be honest this life right now is really hard to bare and sometimes idk if i will make it thorough. i’m still here tho so that’s a good sign. i miss happy me. i hope i’m back by then. i want it back...we went back to therapy today and i hope it works out. i also hope we don’t have to do that anymore now. i want to get better and i hope i am. that’s it for now...