A letter from August 14th, 2020

Dear me in the future, Happy birthday to you! Now you are old already! 23 years old on this earth, this planet. C'mon it's almost the quarter of your life already How are you? Are you okay? Are you getting better? I hope so. I hope you even still stay alive even though I know you always feeling hurt. Mostly. All the time, especially during this time. Sometimes you even confused what shall you do? Wanna give up but don't know right? Not steady enough to stand Too tired enough to do something Feeling lost... Feeling empty, numb At the end of the day, you just feel tired right? Motivate your friend, advising them, but... they don't know your problem, don't know how to tell You feel happy when you can help them. Happy just a moment, at the night you feeling sad and numb since graduation, your mood can swing so easily, you thought it's maybe only PMS, but the truth is you just want to be understand right? To be loved, to loving someone. You don't believe in anyone anymore and always feeling alone. You trying to love yourself, but you still feeling nothing right? Everything just seems out of control. College is deferred until Jan 2021. You can't go to college thanks to COVID :) You feel nothing, beside useless Not feeling useful at all Doesn't have any goal Worrying about everything Isn't that tiring? Don't know what to do? What to tell? What to find? Feeling lost all the time. Even everything seems so boring and you even feel want to find a problem with everyone and everything Feeling lost. Like really lost. For the first time in your life you feeling like this right? You just don't want to do anything at all. You want to be found, aren't you? Sometimes you even feel angry with yourself. Idk why or what the reason you are angry to yourself At the end of the day. We just always going to be alone No one will understand us I don't ask everyone to understand me all the time, but I just want someone to at least hear me screaming inside. I also want to be heard by someone. That's actually isn't their fault too, because they don't know it and you also don't know how to tell it The pain that I want to forget The insecurities you are having right now It seems that you are on the edge and almost want to jump. You also feeling drowning inside You also feel like you let down everyone, right? Nothing seems right No one seems to understand No one seems to care This year felt like a loss for you right? When you can't say a proper goodbye to your classmates, best friend. The happiest year are gone now and a new journey will be awaiting How long you wanna feel like this? Everything seems over and you need to start a journey! A new life! Forgive everything and remember. You can't change anything around you, but you can change yourself to become a better person! Do you have any goals now? Set a goal Do you remember when at this time, you don't have any goal and you feel useless Have you loved yourself? I don't wanna hear you feeling hurt anymore. You may not be feeling fine in a day, but remember, the day after that, you need to get up and face the harsh world and reality. Remember no one can save yourself at the end, the only one that can is YOURSELF REMEMBER, IT ONLY YOURSELF! NO ONE CAN, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR FRIEND, BESTFRIEND, OR FAMILY Also, please remember this! DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH ON EVERYTHING NEVER GIVE UP YOU CAN DO THIS LIFE IS NOT GOING TO ANYWHERE BE HAPPY Friday, 14 Aug 2020 Yourself