A letter from August 9th, 2020

It's Mara. Today is a Sunday, my day off from work. It's raining, finally I get to feel the cold when I sleep. It's already 8:49 am but I'm still lying in bed. Although I guess I will be lying in bed all day since there's nothing much to do. Right now, I'm rereading Yagate Kimi Ni Naru (Bloom Into You) and somehow I can't help feeling the same way as I did when I first read it. I said before that I fell in love with a girl. Or I thought I did. When I think about it now, I wonder what if I told her I liked her before we even got separated. I was imagining what if on the last time we spent together, I said "I love you" to her. I don't know how she'll react, but I guess she'll be surprised. But she would likely respond with "What?" Or "Why?" Then, I would respond with "I just thought that if I told you I love you, I would actually, you know, at least feel something. But it turns out I don't." With this kind of response, I would expect a slap or a hated look from her. And I can't blame her for that because it sounded like I was only using her or making a fool out of her. It's a cruel move, but I want to know what I really feel. Now, I would never know. Since I'm not the of person who falls in love easily, I guess I'll have to wait again until I felt something towards someone, be it a boy or a girl. But what if I can't fall in love? Would I still be a human? Or am I really a human in the first place?