A letter from August 5th, 2020

Dear Older Madeline, Sometimes I feel like nobody loves me. I feel so alone at times, my chest aches with the need for human connection. But I have my friends. They're right there; I shouldn't feel as lonely as I do; as unloved as I think that I am. I know my parents love me, and I know that they are always there. But, are they truly? One day, everyone might be gone, and I might be the only one left. That's how I feel now. I have no one to share anything with. I feel I am boring everyone with my passions. I feel I'll never be as good as an artist as Krista, and I'll never be as beautiful as Emily. I can't even compare to Ethan, even though he is a little rough around the edges. I feel stuck; like I'm a waste of space. My limbs are heavy, and I know that this is cringy to read, but it's true. These are my emotions, and I don't want to feel them anymore. I don't want to die, but I want a break. One year, where I am cryogenically frozen and then woken up after the year has passed. Then maybe my friends would actually miss me. Thye would tell stories about me as they waited, and I would finally feel included. All the I's make me sound egotistical, but honestly, this is the only way that I have learned to communicate my emotions, though third-grader I-Statements. I want to be missed, to be remembered, to be talked about as if I am part of the group. I want the group to feel different when I'm gone. I want to be worth someone's time. These are my current emotions, and honestly, I haven't expressed them to anyone. If I do, I'm afraid that no one would even care. I pray you don't feel this way, Future me. I pray that you have found a place in this world for yourself, where you feel you belong. That is all I pray for; to feel accepted. The last thing I leave you with is this quote that I have been listening to on repeat for like an hour. "'Is it terrifying?' 'No, I don't think so; it's the way it is you know? Everything must come to an end the drip finally stops' 'See u on the other side' 'Oh, Bojack no... there is no other side this is it'". Hope you love yourself more than I love me, Madeline