A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Yuo tllcemeoyp et,er)tl dnow feli ym ear spuedi adhcegn wn,o ahtt 23 in in i’m ohw( 12st my nda eray ot ikgaltn. Steb ifle eht aws ti stwor eyar fo nad ym. Swa s2t1 ew guorh gtrae ym dtehdci hghtruo sa hpcta weer a me yhiratdb my going not ,noe a odans‘ym’. Ihwt ietltl i spermtbee thta nowk ay,er dnow resdnfi yb yna wya gcnbumrli ohhuurgtot tmhe fo eb coem i the twuoldn’ lal hte ddi ti dan doluw. Ywror, ro neough orf to’nd tgmih that t,upse uoy eircd fo maek tohb e’iv hte y,ou btu csokh us. Smee iemsemsto n,wok lal n’aetr nad thwa htat oyu pelepo i ot twan tehy. Khint so latosncnyt narduo arye lpepoe frmo ear taht ear spat aer we fo ti het soaern tjsu lnuti n’tddi 1t2s thta that my ouy os ,urlsoef we tehre nyam tiellt alieres. I i and ntdd’i hatt soal orpdped isaduicl e,ray grtdaaue neeystinl out ameebc. Lvei wnko who otn ti ned beal pu rohuhtg eilf duwol btu vloe …oagy who seoonme bgnei ot a odnefnuw tnio hiwt i nda got orf pilpdes huittwo i i d’dnti ym. Ruo micelthl. Dna ovle itrhg uoy she’ taht stuj him lfei dwrol, no my me, yemocleltp in shti vtsrieepcep uodlw si hrgietevny hdnegca esh. .
12: up i ned ,me i yera yrae tnwe ogthuh ym rtuagdniag 2023 in taefr i in inu juyl hitw a bkac idd off rueadtgda and a 2ts1. Luodw os eb ouprd uyo. I am drupo os. Mihvcteenea wfe teh to fsirt etd,a ueoigcnlsnl dan ggiebst adn t’is sraoiniettsd up my ): a i a asw armks rpcepintoe on of engbi ym ffo on, eeddn.
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Chiletlm, dnede dan vlniig i vree whit voginm teh a tsi’ ebst dei,r uto btu eneb sendocii up. Aws ti in lto stasdiintore edid mdldie ntgwiri a hritg dna fo ti hte a lats agdnard ea,ry dna hur,t my ohkcs. A ,meoh fo og wshi omec ’cloudtn see tub awayny uyo nda mih lla dlcuo a i eh to atth ltle nocdwo,kl tou siitv ta oyu iton ohstmn i go ihm ouy ot hda adn twroe yuo pleocu ,ttrlee rtfea reatf. Uyo ’dton nseeurvi oyur ahs eefl het cbka (i okwn so dab lwil),.
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I i atht duocl nsthgi serteh etll yuo wshi. Ouy who i ma duorp fo eikl. Ysrea telra dseiatn swa of to denirk emmnto uyo in 4 ishw i how het i. Btu i i nlgeiah you, am porsemi. Am esmfly t’odn aws nbe,e ofmr sfylem bneig us niowkgr heva tnha oru i lahe fo ttha hotes i saptr lhea ot ichld berbod ke,li i eidrnk reve nrnei ot ew oufrels adn rnwiad ma ot no. Tib thigr i’m dna iabtyrhd hits lwle uto npeswhe e(sy aetrf nad ghitns ’atern i tlelti ow,n a uor ,ert!)lt!e saueecb orehbrt nrcyeultr fnduo wirnigt mngiop i’d adn 1t3h hpwnsee oyru icenes 4 we sa we aehv ognig no a hpeled sa am. Si tsgnoihem oiwrnkg i tath ma no but. Igwnrko ondt’ am on urdbiaosen shti ew elef amorney i utrh os htat. Rsuo not ot citotnaxpese fo with tyhe bprenyioltissi ,us era rtheo ton lodh si elppseo adel ti uro ot. I fo nda a ahtt onkw tlo giohnld ’oueyr. Hgsint ptu ’sti dwon to you ’mi ykoa legltni stoeh. Akyo tis’ plpeeo asitnpdpoi olev ot uyo. Oyusr threi eesaucb st’i tno s’ti ,efil. Oruy no h’yrtee ellt sah uoy tyciaapc dhsoul slee het flei you tno lnth’ousd gondi dna to eb neo thaw eusacbe gvnili. Coacsiesrse to lla ylieart ttha whta heyt dingo ouyr aer u’eroy to eswnsiste era. Gnhonti tsaremt me. ’ldohveus wuodl wlli akc,b it ti oyru if eeunrvis pendehpa, vaeh het aehv. Htat luylf rmseopi ntigkhin frmo dame uyo uwoitht etlhiclm eavhnt’ i adn (tapar oiiednssc ruhotgh isftr ti i ayn. . Aucse cna hiftg who ovl)e?. No eb thsi terelt loy’lu tou whit oasmdny i of fo pyaexdrhfeti iebng nto lal resfidn nokw hte su. Ouy sthnig ’tnca lefi roefc stih btu ni. Tbu owkn nto odog eyth each it for ewer ’tnod ythe htroe godo ,su ’yheert rfo not. Tberte era thaw adn era oyu uoy os dna meor thowr epyt yuo nhat chmu adn cmuh ovel hte dveercei erew gvnei nidphefisr fo so. Yoru end rteho rptoaiylsne oto yteh bineg it ocdlu was ot ithgsn on wenh wtah waakwdr emoc cbsueea rea hnet ot i tub tcu i ou,t oalldew ih(wch d,omynas is wish an ot den bladme to it ethy odwoflel oesch ysa wuitoth eht kaatct e)m teh an dan rou us iipnhdrefs. Esnsstian v’yeeht ear like botua nad all fo ghtnikni eth ehnw ont roldw, si asecebu lsto era oyu htiw het poleep e’ruyo oenn rhwto tbu ouy yeu’vo eetdart htwor. To otywhr dnesp in dnniet and ydsa rutefu bgnei fo ym i eht us lfm,esy u,oy.
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Mi’ y,rsro.
Me, paelse egvorif.
Kathn yu,o.
I you elov.
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Ovel,.
Ayre me x 32 dlo.

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