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A letter from November 12th, 2019
Here’s a little piece of 2019:
She kept working her casual job, even when all she wanted to do was quit.
She submitted 6 assignments in the 2nd Semester that averaged a DN grade.
She may have failed her first semester. She apologises.
She saw 3 psychologists, and she didn't give up when two of the three didn’t feel quite right.
She went overseas, it made her appreciate home so much more.
She also became probably the only person ever to secretly cry in the shower almost everyday overseas.
She internally questioned whether her Dad was having an affair.
She listened to her parents fighting for what might have been the first time in her whole life.
She started to develop different opinions from her parents.
She tried to be kinder to her Dad.
She realised her Mum, while frequently annoying, is a lot stronger than she puts on.
She spent way too much fucking money on Grammarly for uni assignments, she’s still deciding whether that is legit or not.
She had a friend make up a rumour he had slept with her. She felt partly flattered because she’s a little bit fucked up with her need to be accepted by people sometimes, but she also felt like she should've felt disrespected.
She sent a novel-length message to friend, it was her first time properly confronting someone. Highkey, felt she pretty badass. She hopes it isn’t the last time she gets to feel that way.
She started saying highkey and lowkey unironically.
She found her friend's response to her novel-length message pretty annoying, she realised she may have stronger opinions than what she initially thought she did.
She noticed how she might be more insightful than what she gives herself credit for.
She found herself getting more and more frustrated at people, her friends, specifically.
She felt like she had a sixth sense for reading people, and wondered if that was why she often found them so infuriating.
She wondered whether that was just a super arrogant way of thinking, lol.
She also got embarrassed, a lot. She hopes you can laugh about it now:
She auditioned for a musical. Genuinely expected to get in. Didn't.
Auditioned for another musical. Had spent about 5 months visualizing herself as the lead. Didn't get in.
Surprisingly, she was able to move on, and quite easily too. She’s pretty proud of that.
She had the most cripplingly awkward conversations during work rotations. She thinks right now she has probably said more stupid shit in the last year than in her entire life.
She feels like she’s done that stupid shit enough now to a point where it’s a little bit easier to move on from it when it does happen. Of course it still happens to her. She’s making progress in decreasingly beating herself up for it. She probably doesn’t acknowledge her progress enough.
She has the ongoing internal battle of "do I have anxiety?" or "am I just a fucking twat socially" basically at all times.
Ok, slight interlude, here are some of the things she’s proud of:
She somehow shifted from the most hostile relationship to ever exist with someone, to actually having tolerable conversations with them and not feeling like a total twerp after each one.
She’s able to feel good about herself after work conversations with other staff. For the first time, she feels like she’s developing something more than just small talk.
She feels more capable in articulating her emotions in situations, or conflicts.
She learnt, uses, and tries to apply the word 'nuance’ to almost every situation.
She’s learning to further develop seeing things in shades of grey. She’s also realising not everyone will see the same way. She tries to remember there is no real right or wrong. She remembers the word 'nuance.'
She’s shamelessly exploring the world of masturbation for the first time. She’s not sure if she’s getting off properly yet.
She met up with a past friend months after initial confrontation following the rumour that he'd made up about her. She realised she didn't have to be the perfect feminist icon she was trying to be. She forgave him, they’ve continued to be friends.
She guesses she better include some of the sad shit:
She often felt complacent, and lacked purpose in a lot of what she was doing. Sometimes she felt like she was just coasting.
She felt nervous a lot.
She had a lot of moments feeling glued to her phone.
She spent a lot of nights feeling she’d wasted a day, and hating herself for it.
She had a super up-and-down relationship with her body-image.
She found herself waiting for a "movie moment" in everything she did. She began to wonder if that expectation was the crux of her disappointments.
She started to eat mindlessly and uncontrollably again, sometimes she hated herself for it.
She felt like she was in a position where she was able to recognize problems, but lacked the drive to change them.
Put herself down, a lot.
Thought about the first guy she'd been with when she was 17 almost everyday. That would make it 2 years in a row for her.
She replayed the same shitty situation with him in her head almost always.
She hated that it affected her, and hated that she was still angry.
She found out a close friend, who had supported her through the breakdown of that particular relationship, had slept with him during that time.
She did have suspicions, she wasn't particularly shocked.
She knew a person should be respected more, but she couldn't help but feel undesirable.
She knew it was more of a reflection on her friend and the guy, but she wondered why just 'her', hadn't been special enough for him.
She knew it made sense after he had reached out and apologised and she had remained reasonable but firm, to just stop talking with him and remain civil in social situations, but yet she stayed up till 2:00am, flirting and entertaining the idea of going back to him. She hoped it was just because she wanted to prove she was still lovable, she dreaded that it was because she might love him.
She knew it was right to focus her attention on the friend, but she avoided the confrontation for weeks.
She said it was because she couldn't be bothered dealing with it, but she knew it was because she was terrified.
She knew she had to move on and deal with it alone, but she still selfishly wanted people to feel sorry for her.
She knew there were worse things to happen to people, but she felt she like it was her entire world.
She doesn’t like ending on a sad note. She hopes you’re proud of her, proud of you.
You’re learning to be a better friend. Going through this process has showed you things you've wanted in return from friends, and has encouraged you to reassess whether you're actually giving them what you're expecting.
You're learning people aren't separated into two parts of 'good' and 'bad'. 'Good' people will still screw you over, and 'bad' people might still make your heart flutter.
You're learning it's within our human biology to fuck up. You'd also be so fucking boring had you never said stuttered or stumbled over a word in a conversation, never farted in public, or never had a boring person you met in passing think you were a little strange.
You're learning all humans have the most profound desire to be loved. While you stay up anxiously worrying why that person may have appeared to not like you, someone else is taking 100 staged photos of themselves for instagram so other people can gratify them.
You're also learning all of this ok, and it's so much less exhausting to just not judge people.
You're learning no one has the answers to anything. This is one of the most terrifying, but
also freeing things for you to realise.
You're learning to explore your body, and discover what you like! It hasn't been the easiest process, but you're persisting.
Did I mention you were a ‘virgin’ in 2019? You're learning to not give a fuck about what people think about that by the way. You’re also learning the concept of being a ‘virgin’ needs to be fucking ditched.
You’re learning how much you can try.
You’re learning how strong you really are. You’re also learning to show it.
You’re learning that people who take your ideas, and insights and instantly judge them- also aren’t people you need to worry about impressing. All truly intelligent, secure people are open-minded and accepting, they absolutely don’t need to show how “smart” or “cool” they are by bringing others down or being nasty to people who are different to them.
You’re learning everyone’s got no fucking clue what’s happening, so just keep learning as you go. You’re better off to always be learning anyway.
You’re learning balance. You can’t know or stand for everything. You can’t always be having enlightening experiences. You can’t fit everything in this letter you wanted to say to yourself. Pick your battles. It’s ok, everyone else is the same. You’re not perfect, and that’s what makes you, and everyone else, human.
Bottom line, you're trying to take things as come, accept it, explore it, be kinder to yourself and others, and try and make something of it.
So that’s some of 2019, how are you going?
Sent 12 months to the future from November 13th, 2019 to November 12th, 2020