Time Travelled — almost 3 years Epilogue

A letter from October 8th, 2018

Dear Future Me,
This is you at 17, two weeks away from turning 18. You're doing some physics homework but decided to procrastinate by writing this letter, because you just had a talk with your dad about moving to a place you found.
How are you? Are you in college? In some military branch? Just working? Are you... alive and well?
It's been so hard for me to get to this point, given this messed up head of mine, even more messed up from your abusive and neglecting parents. I hope wherever you're at now, you're well.
You've been so strong with no one there to save you, no one to fall back onto when you take a leap and collapse hard. You've been so self-reliant and so fiercely independent I'd like to applaud you for being so amazing even when no one could, or in your parents case, would help you.
I believe in you; I believe in myself. Because when times get hard, you're there to save yourself again and again. Even if you still have self-esteem issues and problems with letting your voice be heard, I know you've been improving. Is the perpetually shivering child inside stilling, growing up? I hope so. Even if your exterior is far too mature for your age, made that way by your circumstance, I know what it's like to feel small and sad and lonely and stressed and cornered and thrown away. But you pick yourself up from the ground, every shattered piece, every single time. I love you for that, for never giving up on me, for always picking me up. Stay strong, Becky. I love you always.
Yours forever,
Your Past Self

Oct 8th, 2018 → Oct 8th, 2021 • 283 words

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Sorry for disappointing you.
I've become an abuser myself and have gotten myself into legal trouble too. I am currently awaiting a protection order from someone who wants to use it to get his green card. He was never this diligent and hardworking for our marriage. I am so sorry.
Your future was bright but you messed up really, really badly. In ways that no one else has ever messed up. You are incredibly unlucky and you are likely to remain that way. You got married young because he made false promises with money. You became far too abusive when you found out he had been cheating but you couldn't leave because you couldn't let him be deported. You should have. He wouldn't have been deported, he would have gone back by himself and gotten some other visa to come back or settled down somewhere by himself instead of hurting you and screwing you over. Anyone sane person in your position would have done that. Instead you altered yours and his history forever by making that one decision that would affect both of you to different extremes forever. He wouldn't have tried getting a green card through marriage again. And you would have a completely clean record. But you didn't do that. And you hit him again and again and choked him, until he had enough and had enough evidence against you to get a green card by himself. You messed up and gave him this opportunity. Can you believe yourself? And you get a record and trauma. Congratu-fucking-lations. You didn't win anything. You're stuck being poor forever, and now you're saddled with pain and shame. You're repeating your parents' mistakes. While he gets to use you and move on. You're useless and you will continue to be useless in the future with no one to save you. Should have, could have, would have. It's too late. You have nothing. Just die already.

Updated on Oct 11th, 2021  |  323 words