A letter from August 28th, 2012

Dear FutureMe, Here you are today, 3 months after starting your diet. You weigh exactly 150 lbs. WAY TO GO! This is a nice, solid weight for the pretty-enough girl in the trendy-enough outfit, surrounded by her gorgeous, thin friends. SO, for these reasons, 150 lbs just is not going to work out for you in the long term. Know what I'm saying? You're going to weigh 135 lbs. I'm telling you this, not asking. What a great day when you hit that mark! Your hair will blow in the gentle fall breeze, you'll slap on some sexy size 28 jeans with a gorgeous pair of boots, you'll show off the classiest sneak-peak of cleavage you can manage. You'll rock your curves and stay true to your womanly self, but you'll be a smaller, "tiiiiiiiiiighter, tightned up" version of you (to borrow phrasing from "Knocked Up"). I'm just here to say, you can do it. You deserve giving this gift to yourself! The gift of being the best YOU you can be, while you're young enough to enjoy it. You deserve to be noticed for more than your cave woman hair and perky tits. You deserve to be the bombshell with firecracker wit, impressing everyone with your spectacular verbal skillz AND hourglass shape. So do it. Be the change you wish to see in this world. Ghandi said that, and I'm pretty sure he invented getting skinny and saying meaningful shit in bars to hot guys. Also--- good luck with your surgery tomorrow!! How much do you think a tooth weighs? Like, legit at least .5 lb. So you have THAT to look forward to! Also, painkillers and trashy tv.... Try not to let Mama trick you into eating ice cream or smoothies. Stick with scrambled eggs and cottage cheese for your protein, and I'm sure she can find some sugar-free apple sauce for your fruits! Maybe do the blended strawberry/ cottage cheese/ cheesecake flavor drops pudding thing?? Anyway. I love you (me?). Get skinny, get hot, make bitchez jealous.