A letter from Nov 05, 2025

Dear Mr. Biggest Lesson in My Life, I think I’m going crazy. I can’t get you out of my head. That’s why I’m writing this letter — to get everything, every last piece of you, out of my mind. Does it sound crazy? Yes, it does. I’m going crazy, as I’ve already mentioned. I can’t figure out what it is. Just can’t. I asked ChatGPT, but it gives me answers based on psychological ********, which I can’t work with. Because this isn’t psychological ******** — or at least I think it’s not. Maybe it is... I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about you, which is, again, crazy, considering the fact we met just once and only for a few moments. But those few moments felt so peaceful for me, which is something I haven’t experienced in my life. And I think that’s the reason why I’m still thinking about it. My whole life I’ve been searching for this kind of peace. Nothing in my head. Just being. And that’s why I treasure this in my head, heart, and soul. Those few moments were so quiet, even though we were talking. I felt quiet. My head felt quiet. I don’t know who screwed it up. I’m not easy — I know. But I’m not going to blame just myself. I believe that if you were interested, you wouldn’t have done what you did. And I tried. I overcame my pride, my beliefs, and I wrote to you. You replied, but that was it. I mean... I know this year wasn’t the best one. I mean, it was in many ways, but it wasn’t in the rest of it. It was one big transformation. Everybody went through it. In different ways, but everyone had the opportunity to experience this massive transformation. So, on the other hand, I’m not blaming you. Because I felt like ****. And I still do. And I don’t know why, but I think you did too. And maybe you still do. The question is whether we have understood our lessons and moved on. That’s what I’m afraid of — that I’m still stuck on this and you don’t even know who I am. I’m not afraid that you’ll forget. You have the right to. I’m afraid I won’t forget. Again... it sounds crazy. So much. But I can’t help myself. Why does it still hurt so much? Nothing happened. Nothing. Maybe it’s because I hate when someone lies. It drives me crazy when someone does. The most annoying, unacceptable thing for me is lying. Trust me, I did everything I could. I did more than I ever have in my life for someone. Like I said, I’m not easy to be with. I have traumas — who doesn’t, right? And the years passing by made all of it soak so deep that I can’t believe my own actions sometimes. Every day, a new lesson, going deeper. And I need someone who can handle this. Handle me. Not help me. I'm the only one who can help me. But someone who will accept my traumas and my path of healing. And I will do the same for them. It’s so funny. You’re probably with someone now, or sleeping... and I’m going through all of this at the moment. I think if you knew what was going on, you’d laugh so hard. Because you’re living your life, and somewhere far away there’s this crazy woman going through hell which she created for herself. Because no one else has. I wish I’d stop waiting for your message. I wish this would stop — all this madness I’m going through. I wish I could send this to you. But I can’t. I have wild fantasies. I like to read books, fairy tales, you know. And I think it changed my point of view completely. I don’t understand love. Or I don’t understand the concept of love nowadays. Maybe the way I think I can love is from a different world or time. I know you don’t love me, and you never will. I know I’m about to meet my true love. Don’t think that I won’t survive this. I will. I’m allowing the universe to bring me the one. I deserve it. My heart and soul deserve it. I’m full of love, and if I meet someone who will accept it with all it costs, I will explode with all of it. I will cover them with the light I’m carrying. I’m full of it — from top to bottom, and even more. I can’t explain that, but I am unconditional love. And that’s what I seek back. I’m an independent depender. I love deeply, and I want it back. But I love my freedom, and I’ll give it back. 50:50. I love to create, and I want a creative man. I love music to my bones. Music is my bones. My soul. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt — because you had this in you. Melody. Your hands can create that. And that’s something indescribable for me. The way I love music. The way I feel music. And suddenly someone created that in my life. You can’t even imagine what we could’ve done together — the melody of souls. But your soul didn’t want that. I understand. I understand that some people are not grown enough for that deep connection. But it hurts. That’s the thing. I know. I do. But still... I’m hoping. Not anymore. Fingers crossed. I hope this letter will set me free. I’ll never get my answers, even though I already got them. Your silence was the message I received but didn’t understand. I know the universe constantly guides us. What is not meant for you, you will never get. You weren’t meant for me, so I didn’t get you. I hope I’ll forget. I know I will. I always stand up straight and start again. You can’t even imagine how worried I was about your mum. That’s another thing I don’t understand. Why. Why I create everything deeper than it actually is. Why I feel so much. Why I care so much. And this isn’t just about you. I do this in general. Like I said, I’m so full of love that I finally want to give it to someone. Desperately. But I’m not a good person. The way I feel, and I’m still not fulfilled — I’m not happy — and it wakes a monster inside me. Sometimes I’m so evil, I’m scared of myself. Or I can’t believe that this is actually in me. But that’s the lack. This is what happens when you’re not happy. You become a monster. And you have to live with that. And nothing helps — only you do. I think I’m about to end this letter, because that’s probably it. Months of pain about something that doesn’t even exist, described in a few sentences. Well, a few... I mean, it’s a big letter actually. For someone who doesn’t even know I exist. For someone I’ve created in my mind, because I think the image I see isn’t the real one. But I’ll laugh about all of this one day. I’m sure of that. I always do. Okay. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re happy — or soon you will be. Thank you for the lesson. I appreciate it. And I mean it. Everything is for something. Everything, even the bad, shapes us to be a better version of ourselves. And I like to grow. I’m growing thanks to you. Thank you again. Lalala :) Yeah, I’m psycho. But I love to sing... which you have no idea about. And I can actually play the guitar. I was so excited to show you... Kisses. Bye. Independent Depender