A note from the past.

Dearest future self, I hope you are well. If you're reading this then you're still alive, which is good. As your past self writes this its been 74 hours since shes eaten. I hope she isn't still doing this to you. You deserve better than this. If shes still putting you through this, please get help. You know this isn't how you want to live. You know its not a life worth living. You're so much better than that. I hope you can see that. I hope that you can see that you can be happy without starving yourself. Your past self has been thinking about suicide again. She knows she won't do it but shes been thinking about it. She knows shes made those promises and she knows that she can't break them. She knows that. Please don't let her break those promises. Even if you don't talk to those people, please don't break those promises. Remember your brothers. Think of what it would do to them. In a week your past self may not have anywhere to live. I hope things work out for the best. I hope your dad hasn't gotten his shit together. Hopefully hes quit the drinking. How is his foot? Were the doctors able to fix it? Did that operation work? Or did they have to take it off like they said? I hope that it was fixed. I also hope that you two have started to have more of a relationship. As of now you don't really have one. You don't really like him. You never have. I hope that you have found it in you to be able to love him. Hes probably a good man deep down. Even if you two don't have a good relationship try to talk to him anyways. You know he loves you. He may not show it but he does. How is your granddad doing? Is he still alive and well? I hope so. He's such a good man. You know hes always been there for you. You've always meant so much to him. I really hope hes doing well. How is his toe? Did it ever heal? Is your grammas room still the same? I bet he hasn't changed it a bit. I know he misses her. If hes still alive and well you should take him out to dinner. Or better yet, you should cook for him. I know he would enjoy that. Have you been to the cemetary lately? You should go. Get some flowers and take them out there. If you have the money you should see about getting a plaque for your mom. She deserves on. It can be small. Just get one for her if you can. How does your grammas tombstone look? Did your granddad end up getting one for both of them? If there isn't an angel on it somewhere you should get one to put on there. She would have loved that. You may want to super glue it so it doesn't get stolen. Have you gotten that tattoo yet? The one of the heart for your brothers? What about the four flowers? Don't forget about them. Pink carnation for your gramma, daisy for yourself, hawthorn for your mom and chrysanthemum for your aunt. You should really get that tattoo. It'll look beautiful. If you haven't gotten it yet you should consider getting a fifth one as well. The narcissus for your granddad. How are your brothers? Did Jeremy ever move back? Did he get back into drugs? Or is he clean? I hope hes clean. Jacobs grown now isn't he? He'll be 18 in a little over two months. You should take him out for his birthday. You'll probably have to do it before or after his birthday. If hes still the same as he is now he'll be with his friends on his birthday. You should buy him a hoodie. Hopefully he doesn't lose them still. Or maybe a wallet. One of the ones with the chains on it. Look at Hot Topic. They'll have something he likes. Is he still playing guitar and designing websites? I hope so. He better be in high school. If hes dropped out smack him up side the head. How is Ginna? Is she still dating Stephen? No? Thats not surprising. Call her and go see the girls and Ennon. Wow, they must be so big now. They girls are almost 7! And Ennon is almost 2! I bet hes a heart stealer. You should paint Kristin a picture and take it to her. She'd love that. Flowers were always her favorite. Have you gone back to school yet? I hope so. Go and get your baking and pastry arts degree. Open that bakery you've always wanted. Paint the walls a warm color. Put a big sofa in there and a little table with a vase full of daisies. People will like them. Don't forget that you don't want it to be like all the others. Only sell regular coffee, none of that fancy stuff. They can get those at Starbucks. Don't forget to have hot chocolate for the little ones. And juice. You always loved juice. Don't forget your dreams. If you haven't yet, you should get a book to write them down in. Its not silly. Just go out, find a little book, and fill it with all your dreams. Don't forget that you want a typewrite and a Poloroid camera. You'll love having them. Please try to be happy. You deserve it. You've been through hell but you've made it. You're still breathing. Give yourself a break. Go to Starbucks and get yourself a tea. Take a trip somewhere beautiful. Don't forget to take pictures. Paint a beautiful picture. Stop doubting yourself. You are a wonderful artist. Stop telling yourself that you're not. You're a lovely girl. Don't forget that there is always something better out there. Please don't forget to smile. With love from the past.