A letter from April 24th, 2016

Dear Jes (Or Jay if you still like that.), It's starting to warm up now. The days are getting longer and the temp is in the rise. Plants are blooming. Everything seems so nice and beautiful. Things aren't okay with me right now. I'm trying to find something to grasp on to. A religion, a hobby, something. But nothing seems to work. I feel empty, yet I feel overwhelmed. M is getting more and more distant. I feel like it will end soon. I know it's an abusive relationship and I'm not treated as good as I should be, but... I love him. I'm addicted to him. It's not healthy and I should get away from him but I just can't. I have to get him to treat me right... Or I'm going to fall apart. I don't want to be here any more. I want to die, but I don't want to leave them. Grandma, Dad, Mom, Cam, Tre, Noelle. Maybe even M. I feel so empty. I feel so tired of all of this. This life isn't for me. I'm failing in school. I won't graduate. I have no motivation to do anything. I can't even see the reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I have begged M for help since this started up again. He just says he's broken too and I need to suck it up. I don't believe he loves me. I think the future I've planned for us isn't going to happen. I don't know what I'll do when I lose him, or have to get away. Can I even run from this? Would he chase me? No. He wouldn't. I just want to be important to someone. Moms still sick. She still tells us how shitty we are when we don't call her. But when we do she makes us feel even worse.. I'm supposed to see him today. M. He will most likely say sweet words, use me for my body, leave and treat me like shit again. It's almost worth it, to feel loved for a few minuets... I hope things are better. I hope you're happy. I hope you're still here and that everything is okay. Things will get better if they aren't. You are beautiful. Please remember that. No one really tells us that. But you are so beautiful. Please hang on. You can do this. Forever love, Jes.