future me

Dear FutureMe, Well this is a strange idea isn't it? It's like I am having a conversation with myself. But not. I don't know. It is 2:30 am roughly and summer is just beginning. I did well in school and on my finals. I am happy about this I think. I hope I don't work hard in school only so that my dad will like me. I hope when I read this email in a year that I wont start crying because nothing in our relationship has changed. In a year my sister will be talking, now she has only just started to walk. I love her, I really do. Today my stepmom said that she is the happiest she has ever been because of her new baby and that kind of made me sad because I have been there for her for 5 years and I thought I made her happy, but now there is a baby and all she does is crawl and poo and kind of walk, but somehow she worked her way right into Stephanie's heart and kicked me out. Well maybe that isn't fair to say, because Stephanie definitely loves me. I guess just not as much as she loves her daughter. But maybe that is how things are supposed to work. I just realized that I type very fast. Well I didn't just realize this, because I always knew it, but I guess I re-realized it. Isn't that called a rerealization? I don't know. Who cares. My mom went out with Shawna tonight and got very drunk and it was kind of funny and cute and I told her she would forget everything, but she said she wouldnt so we made a secret word that she has to remember tomorrow as proof for remembering. Our secret word is electrical socket. I love my mom so much. Even when she is drunk off her ass and mumbles and laughs like a lunatic. She is amazing. I wish I were more amazing sometimes. Like the kind of person that just exudes life and happiness. The kind of person that everyone admires and wants to be around. And the kind of person that people admire for her uniqueness. But I don't feel individual. I feel like everyone else. I think. Maybe not. I guess that is not fair to say because I have no idea what anyone else really feels like. I wonder if in a year I will have a myspace? or hermit crabs? or will I be friends with the same people? Or will I like CdM? Or will I still like the fact that my school's initials are CdM and appreciate the fact that one of the letters isn't capitalized and still love that? Will I be alive to read this? I hope so. Will I know what love feels like? I hope so for that too. People say sometimes that they don't care if they are in love or not and that they are too independent and don't like relationships. But I think people say this because they have never been in love. Maybe if I started saying this then people would think it was cool and different. But that is no reason to lie. And I don't care what people think. I was just saying. I don't really know what I am saying here. I'm typing everything that I think of and very fast at that. I don't want to stop, I just want to write. I want to write a book someday. Maybe I should base it on my life because so far 11 minutes has gone by since I started writing this and I think I have written a lot. Hopefully I have because I want to know all about who I was in a year. I don't like change very much, but hopefully I have changed when I read this because otherwise it seems very boring. I am sort of nervous that it will say I have written too many characters and it will make me start over. I hope it doesn't do that. When I read this, it will be after going to school with Sandon for a year. That seems strange to me, to go to school with my little brother. But maybe not. We'll see. I hope yearbook is fun. I really do. I hope I pass my AP exam too. But I don't think I will and I will probably be sad when I read that last sentence a year from now because it will remind me of the melancholic emotions that I felt when I realized I got a 1 or a 2. I like bunnies. I wish I had a bunny. I hope I like Bright Eyes still in a year. And I hope that no one else does anymore. And I hope i like Maria Taylor too. I should listen to One For The Shareholder right now. I hope that in a year I still like that song. Because it is really very beautiful. Hopefully in a year I would have seen her at a show. I wonder what color my hair will be in a year? It is currently faded black. Like black but it's turning a tad brown from the sun. I like it. I don't really know what else to say, except that I shouldn't let little things get me down. And I should work on not being so jealous about boys. And stop wishing and waiting to fall in love. And I hope I have a car when I read this and I hope I smile when I read this because I do and I hope I look out my window and see my car and go downstairs and sit in it for a few minutes and listen to One For The Shareholder. And I hope it is raining when I do this. And if not then I should wait to do this until night time or really early morning, when it is foggy or misty and dark and pretty and shadowless and infinite and beautiful. I hope I still like photography and I hope I've gotten a better camera and I hope Chanel still calls me Mantis. And I hope I still cry a lot, because really, I like crying. But hopefully it is mostly happy crying, because I havent cried sad tears in a while and I like that subtle happiness. Okay I am going to go to bed now I guess, but remember that in a year from now or 2 years or 3 or more that I should never give up and I should always believe in myself, because if I don't then who will? And remember that it is okay to hate everyone and to love being alone and being strange and that it does not matter what people think and that I should slowly stop wearing makeup and hope that people don't comment on that like they did when I dyed my hair black. And I hope I find a boy that doesn't care what color my hair is or if I wear makeup. And I hope in one year, I am infatuated with living.