A letter from April 24th, 2015

i am sad.. you are too i guess.. but.. i guess should start from the begining .. a few days after the ultimatum.. She said.. "come over to my place tomorrow after school.." i said i'll just tell my parents that i'll be home later.. and She told me "no.. i mean.. a sleepover" ..i was just O_O .. wha.. really.. reeally.. that's awesome.. so.. i had to wait 1-2 hours after school.. She was meeting Simeon.. it didn't go well..they were.. silent to each other.. which is stupid.. but then we met.. then on the bus.. at her place.. we watched my fav movie.. we cried.. eating molten ice cream.. and then a very good Sam and Dean cosplay.. i was eating a makeshift burger.. two slices of bread with a chicken steak in between.. two burgers actually.. i ate Her food too.. She was eating salad.. both Hers and mine.. when She started crying at the end of the movie.. i hugged Her.. and we cried together.. the movie really touched Her.. after the movie She said "that movie made me wanna go out in the nature.. let's go" .. and what her grandma said was sooo out of place after watching that movie.. you better come back when it's dark.. what are the neighbours gonna think if they see you dragging boys at home.... anyway.. we went out.. through the moor.. down the slope.. across the brook.. i slipped in some mud.. and my ass was covered in dirt..we laughed..She laughed.. i tied a sack around it so i won't make a mess .. we found a cool place.. put the blanket down.. sat on it.. we tried to light a fire.. but the sticks were wet.. i used papers form my notebook.. physics.. first attempt.. failure.. things are too wet.. maybe on the second attempt.. the sticks would be dry enough to light up.... i put more papers.. light'em up.. and just when it looks like maybe it would burn.. it begins to rain.. x_x.. we laughed so much.... we gave up on the fire.. we sat.. ate the bananas.. drank the tea.. not all of it though.. we became the Banaba King and the Banana Queen .. we lied down.. we talked.. watched as the moon kept playing peek a boo with the clouds.. it was so nice.. and then .. i asked Her .. is She could.. not get mad.. because i'm gonna ask about something.. i asked for The Kiss.. (Of Fire..).. She was thinking for a few moments.. and then She said.." maybe if Simeon wasn't here.." ..okay i mean.. i didn't even expect Her to consider it..x_x She didn't really like the fact the She considered it.. but i told Her that " it's okay since you probably have made the right choice.. i might ask again somewhen else.." then.. then She got closer.. put Her arm around me.. and Her head on my chest.. and said "sorry.. i hope you understand.. i can't do it".. "it's okay.. it's okay.." .. and we stayed like that for.. a few minutes.. which was.. nice..i_i.. we agreed to head back when it's 8/9:10.. after a few minutes She asked me if it was already time.. i looked at my phone.. it showed :11.. but i tried to lie xD.. i told her.. there are still five more minutes.. "you can't lie to me.. you know that.." "i had to try.. ".. so we headed back.. i spilled the undrunk tea on my jeans..x_x.. we barely found our way back.. i tried to break some fallen branch.. it broke.. and it hit me in the ribs.. She laughed.. as i was trying to cope with the pain.. and breath properly.. we stopped on the moor.. i tried to show Her the big/small bear.. i wasn't sure.. i think She saw it.. then we decided to sit down again.. and stare at the sky for a while.. defining the shapes of the clouds.. then we kept going.. we went to some place.. where you could see a part of the town.. we got back to her place.. i washed my pants.. with shampoo xD..we watched Her fav movie.. i watched it..She was half asleep.. then we smoked.. i tried to make Her play twister.. or make a fortress.. but no success.. She was sleepy.. it was understandable.. She said let's watch a comedy.. and we started watching dumb and dumber.. but She was falling asleep.. so.. i suggested we sleep a little and then wake up and do stuff.. She agreed and we said what was the first time in real life and the last time in any way.. we said our good night.. (good night, Jo.. good night, Assencho) and we slept.. She slept.. i can't really sleep on music. even if it's Hugh Laurie..i woke up around 5.. and just ..Xd.. woke Her up and told Her.. let's go watch the sunrise.. we tried.. but it was cloudy.. and there was no sunrise x_x.. then we played some silly games on the pc.. She beat the shit outta me.. of course.. once because of a bug.. but still a win.. we tried to play i spy with my lil eye.. but. it's hard to play with just 2 people.. aand finally.. it was time to go.. although my jeans were still wet xD.. She saw me off to the bus stop.. and then we hugged for the last time.. and i was on ym way home.. and She went back home.. to sleep more.. x_x.. it's awful the feeling you get when something really cool ends.. i_i.. i got home.. She came online at around 5.. something was wrong.. i tried to talk to Her.. but whe just went to smoke.. i told Her if She wants to talk i'm here.. and after 1-2 hours.. She talked.. we talked.. and She said.. She doesn't want to have anything in common with me anymore.. end.. of everything ..She said She has her reasons.. i think i know them i think you do too.. i aksed Her if She hates me.. She said.. yes i_i.. and that was it.. i told Her that if She ever changes Her mind.. i'm gonna be here.. that i'll miss Her.. and since then.. i think this is a legit depression.. i scratched again.. what i feared the most.. has happened.. what was i supposed to do.. what am i supposed to do.. idunno.. i realised it feels really bad to be left alone like that.. so i had to say i'm sorry to junkie and to Simone.. and now we're friends again.. but i'm still sad.. i played lol with Simone .. that's like.. so many years ago when i played with the girls from ..somewhere.. i was trying so hard.. to play something with Jo.. that same friday 27 we were actually going to start playing dragon nest.. x_x.. i just.. really enjoy playing video games with girls.. and not just playing video games.. i'm a feminist.. i guess and i admire girls.. but.. you know what i'm talking about..Simeon tried to talk to Her about me.. but She is just ignorant.. i'm thankful that he is worried and trying to fix things.. as he said that She told him what we talked about (the end).. just to calm him down.. so he's a little responsible he also said that he doesn't really believe that She hates me.... well i guess Jo is still gone.. i_i.. but you're still friends with Simone and junkie right.. having fun playing video games with Simone.. this is gonna be the best weekend..i'm gonna be home alone for the whole weekend.. imma watch the sunset.. smoke.. play video games.. play the guitar.. watch the sunrise.. not sleep..eat..(alone..i_i) and all the things i would be doing if i was not living with my parents.. also.. imma die on monday... time of death 5:30 pm.. my parents have to go to the school.. to talk with techers .. aaand they said i have to be there with them.. x_x.. i'm so dead.. so you're lucky if you're reading this..