i am your worst enemy

Dear FutureMe, I wonder if you're aware of all the things you do involuntarily. I wonder i you're aware of all the mean things you disguise as nice things--or is that just me--me now? I hope you're nicer. More sincere about your actions and your words. I hope you're more in control over the actions you tend to commit and the words you always end up saying and the thoughts you always end up thinking. I hope you adore your soon to be niece Ava Nicole because she's your only sister's child, despite her being that boy's as well. Remember not to question the good things, simply go with them, but if you're really me, then we both know that won't ever really change. You'll still question, even test it, but in the end , I suppose I really have chosen a nice batch because they put up with me and all my childish antics, my storming out of their lives as well as waltzing back in as if I've never left... I love them. And I hope you understand that no matter what happens, you will always love them, too. I hope you realize that when I burned Chia and Manuel I did it because I was hurt beyond anything else, I was hurt and that I'm with them again because not knowing them made me not know a treasured part of me. I want you to remember that because if you're really me, I know I question it every day, and I want you to stop. I want you to just enjoy their company, their presence and stop thinking for once. I'm doing a lot of thinking right now. How am I going to pay off some debts? How am I going to go to school in San Fran if I can barely make it here in San Diego? How am I going to face my parents after I flat out lie to them? I hope you understand and forgive me for what I'm going to do to us. I hope you realize that hating me for what where you are now is not going to solve anything. So. I hope you're living with someone you want to live with and not someone you think you owe or any crap like that. I hope you realize it's okay to love movies more than books--it doesn't make you any less smarter than what you are. In the end all I can really hope for is that you've found the missing piece to me--to us. And that you as a person can smile knowing that you have nothing to hide or find.