So here I am

Dear FutureMe, So here I am ...alone . the apartment is nice and lonely. the computer is still scary ..i have ordered the restore disks but no how much i wish it I doubt if anyone will actually come over to fix it. i will need to do it myself ..like everything else. honestly i don't want to be a helpless female. but really would it be so horrible if I got some help ... I am sick of everythng being so ..hard . i keep trying and failing, but i keep trying. D keeps asking me to come home. he misses me now. Prob because it will snow tomorrow and i won't be there to shovel the driveway. he'll have to do it ..and something willhapppen and it willbe my fault. yeah he misses me..he misses blaming me and using me as his excuse for anything that has gone wrong ...according to him this is true love... The sad part is I know deep down ..that he will find someone else and treat her so much better than me ..just because of what he has "learned " I don;t have a life ..I make evryone elses life better...I am the BASF of humanity. Trouble is I want a life. I want to go out and do things ..with people. i have been doing things by myself for the last 25 years of "marriage". I am 43 and have only ever had only 1 date. only i could get married without dating ...things just... happened no i am not hideous.. I have a decent sense of humour, a little depressed at the moment ..but i am smart - sigh..i promised I wouldnt type any sighs.. but I don;t beleive he'll or anyone will take note of this ..other than me so where am i now..the big question ..is it better to stay in a long term relationship where ...you are blame for everything and told ...don;t worry about how bad (ugly, incompitent, stupid etc) you are -i love you anyway.. i don't want to be loved "any way" i want to be loved . for me . well i am not that bad..i am not bad at all. except for spelling I am not stupid I am not incompitent i am not ugly and so far alone is better so when i receive this i will still not be bad ..but will i be alone ? sigh .....