The Pursuit of ...?

Dear FutureMe, I hope you are moving up in your job...exhibiting some initiative and taking some creative risks that earn you respect. I also hope you are making more responsible choices about "taking care of business." I hope you never take things that far the first time you meet someone...it only leaves you feeling unsatisfied and worried the next day. And, I also hope you figure how to balance responsability with fun and spontaneity. I hope you will work out a reliable plan for moving to New York City for a couple of years, and maybe Alaska too. Even if it's just to prove something to yourself, or your family, or your friends? Is that why I want to do these things? No. Well, why do I want to go on these grand adventures? I guess because it's fun, it's exciting, and it's the hope for the unknown...because I haven't exactly established a respectable social circle where I'm at right now, and I'm searching for something more. How will you feel if you turn out to be 80 years old and you're counting up your memories and thumbing through your photos, and you never did those things. What if you play it safe your entire life? That would kind of suck, I think. On the other hand, what if you live dangerously just to prove a point and have fun and get yourself into some serious trouble? What is the worst that could happen...you have to borrow some money and move back home? What does living dangerously mean anyway? It's kind of a cheesy thing to say...I guess to me living dangerously means taking risks, and not even like life threatening risks...more like social risks...meeting new people trying new things. I definately hope I am braver about that in the future. What if I never meet a man that i want to be married to for the rest of my life? Have I ever met a guy that I would like to be married to for the rest of my life? Perhaps, but one dumped me, and I never actually spoke to the other one, then there were the ones that were married already, or too old for me...I guess I meet men all the time that I would love to be married to, but they are already married. Let's look at this as proof that these men exist, and then just get over it. If it's going to happen, it will happen. If not, then you'll support yourself and spoil your neices and nephews rotten. Did you wait to have sex? Till you're with someone you love? Till you're married? How much longer do I have to wait? I'm way paranoid about getting pregnant. You need to get on the pill again anyway, so maybe the sex thing will just work itself out, and who cares...it's just sex. Why are you still living by Matt's rules? Because you don't want to feel cheap and used the next day...a compelling argument. I hate worrying about these things. I hope you are getting to a place where you can give yourself permission to give in to desire, while maintaining a safety net that will protect you from the risks. What's the worst that can happen? Are you really in control of what happens in your life anyways? I hope you are stiking a balance with your physical appearance. Taking care of yourself without obsessing, exercising because you feel better when you are fit, not because you are thinner, but because you are healthier. I hope you figure out if you're supposed to be yourself, or presenting the best version of yourself? And by best version I mean that I've taken the time to dry my hair and put on make-up and all the other crap, that frankly doesn't mean anything, but changes how people judge you in our society. I hope you recognize that even though you are sort of in limbo right now, you are pretty happy. There are things that you could change, but look at how you have friends that care about you...friends from way back who will never leave you. You will always have these friends, so please treasure them and don't fuck up those relationships. If you are not going to marry your friend, you better not have sex with him, or you won't get to stay friends with him. Or will I? We've crossed the line before and made it back to friends? We'll see...let's remember the new criteria..."Do I want this person to be the father of my child?" Scary, but a powerful thought. Good luck, and hang in there. You've graduated college. You have a job that you love. You are taking pretty good care of your body. You have good friends. You are going on some vacations. You have a little money saved. You are getting better at cooking. You have finished a couple of good books, and found a new poet. You have an entire list of CD's you'd like to own. You are much better at ironing your clothes. You are a good driver in crazy traffic. You are getting to be a better writer. You make your bed everyday. Just keep trying to grow this list. Good Luck! Me in July 2004