Why

Dear FutureMe, Hello. Just wanted to send this email to myself in the future and let me know how I am feeling at this very moment. I have been married for almost 11 years to a man that I do not want to be with. I have 2 children age 9 and 5. They are the only reason that I am still at home. I have been with another man (also married to someone he does not want to be with - also staying because of his son) for almost 3 years. I try to convince him that we can make it together he and I and that our children do not have to suffer because of our choices. He will not hear of it because he can never leave his son. My husband made love to me last 2 nights ago. I felt like I was being raped. After he was done I wanted to kill myself. I sent my lover a note asking him how long must I endure my husband's unwanted touch. It's not like I can live in his house and spend his money and not be available to him as a wife. It is ironic that after all the years of having men falling at my feet I cannot be with the one that I truly desire. The one that I know that I can be faithful to, the one that can make me purr like a kitten, the ONE that is truly the one. This must be my punishment for being unfaithful to a man that loves me, a man that has adored me for 11 years. I cannot return his affections because I do not love my husband. Why don't I file for a divorce and free him so he can be with someone who can really care for him? Because I am selfish? Because I cannot afford to? What is the real reason? I hope that I have finally gotten the gumption to do it. I hope that I am finally happy with myself. I know that I can be a better mother to my children if I am not with this man. Why can't I be with the one I love? The one that is my soulmate? The one that truly understands me, the one that I truly understand and love. I have so much love to give to him. And I cannot give it to him.