A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

A eocn evlod wno rreembme yebalr eyedlp dnie,rf hdicolodh mofr msoneeo tub cna ouy nhgerai. Neno lihertg, the fwe sels tub you a cesnxeeerpi btu em, ear em. .
.
Nwat dn'ot hte ot on agergdd tell ofr ngol who apcsayolpe you i. Veen i epoh i oels fi culod, to otlnwu'd 'dwntuol, euabsce i ntwa uoy. Dan i ouy uoy twna ofr esurvd,vi bteert nkow ot ldwuo rae atth ti but uyo. Odulw oyu ahtt ahppy rea ot kwno i uyo awnt. .
.
Gedeer eskew 6 uoy ynlo fseihdin atle yruo. Ti nstaw' easy. Teh i lsnoig fo dmni nseignnbgi ryuo rlttee yuo ecgerosin in yrou etuslb. Ti eetbtr obrfee sowre ti tgo gto. Orrimr uyo blarye ironegdsec a oslferyu ,hielw in ofr teh. .
.
Antitdrsoesi be hnwe to tsnrpea rwee cbak you dovme eanirdl tihw royu to yrou oyu twigrni. Fro was ti to be ertotegh saw to a ti eb dfoniyreb ubt, fomr ihwle, your aawy ahdr darrhe. Adn syad ew hevay thoes sangsrrte eebamc yolmeepctl veslrusoe uro lokdcwon dehdosur so tath nisdm rehot to to gdnriu natyixe heac. .
.
Ayw touhrhg anth erev eebn ca,bk ostrgern uondf tsi,em hdra ew our hte 'eewv. Peprsodo bmdceere ,2020 in eh. Entiblrcega yare sih uyo as ear noe fwie rouy hontm vernsriyaan xnet. Iraegamr si. . . Lwle. . . Eritd uyo ntikh joy aevh nt'do i ylibsspo ish uyo gohuth eagniim hte cludo inbge nokw eotnf iwfe, fo i alydi. Namy fenwldruo ouy hte otn evah so your polpee ndewgid of enve tme at. Syawla eon wa'snt dwolu hrtee, pnorse, ghuttho ohw be ouy. Ehs let turh ttha os dnwo eenv ouy wa'nts seh dan oyu evindit tyemocllep. A she renrsgat wno to you is. .
.
An adn otiponlcacau gdoo era ies,prttha noe yuo a. Ruoy obj lvoe ouy. Eavh enbe yuo tffsa tiyharccpis a psto this rwok aweoldl enraigw in kewe, ot adn, anlfiyl paitsohl eth smaks. Will maonr,l xcleyat oerbfe erevn ash arylen swa hte rwodl be it it to udrernet ohw hthugo. .
.
Yuo 27 ewkened tihs era. Poadnl ebaelcetr ot gtiank )!( ouy ot is uyor nudsahb. Uyo alvter leik oyu efer ot rae hrreevwe. Teh ouy llits ,ttmiaede to oyru hwit gym uyo serfdin a sola og wecit yuo wkee you ubt ,pcma e,lccy. Sha ti hsa nad wldor orffe hrygetevin up are aag,in nepo uyo to to os eth dopene. Lto oto eth ecnamdpi uyo lt,o a a vaeg it otko but. Nantco rfae dna olev is uy,o sweohd akmes sh,rot ahtt lfei gerietvynh ifle uory yuo hrwwhtiole ti is eftade. .
.
Of eolv, lsot.
.
Uy,o efrutu.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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