A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Yrable ldeepy a mfro soemnoe acn uoy won utb dleov oihdchdlo eemrmebr onec irnghea d,ifren. Tub sesl irl,hgte noen e,m uyo utb em a era hte reeneciepxs fwe. .
.
Who for the on gderagd tell tanw alposcpyae ngol i 'ntod to you. I natw sbeceau ot ul'notwd ehpo i ulcod, enve d'w,ontul i fi soel yuo. Uyo fro watn it yuo kown lodwu i uyo etbtre aer btu that ot nda uv,drvsie. Know aphyp ouy aer loudw uoy ot i antw htat. .
.
Oyu ekesw nifesdhi eeedrg tela 6 lony yoru. Ti aesy wsat'n. Oyur royu gnslio fo tulbes nsginbgine egcornsei ttelre imnd in yuo the i. Tgo erobef ti rebtet it wseor got. Teh uyo a ni rdoiseecng heliw, orf uyfrelos byarel irormr. .
.
Iwth bcak meodv ritignw oyur aenldri uyo to ot yuo adeititnsrso ewre uroy nehw be aetnsrp. A awya i,lhwe to uryo yindeofrb u,tb ot thoegetr be orf dhar wsa morf it it drhrea asw be. Dan torhe ache nregasstr nrgdiu sday tehos so nisdm to emcbea llcpemetoy codlokwn entiaxy hvaye ehdsduro to lresevuso ew rou ttah. .
.
Emsit, we 'weev dnouf rou ntha way hdra vere kcab, ogruhth rogrestn eneb eht. Bmeerecd ni ,2200 orpodeps eh. Uroy yansvneriar tmnho sa yrea eon uyo are wife shi cteberlgnai nxet. Giaermar is. . . Lwle. . . Oyu of hoghut aliyd notd' shi ikhtn ei,wf egnib onetf het ojy lbsopyis i uyo miinaeg owkn eahv cludo i iedrt. The you eahv fo enev at ruoy met anmy not oplepe delnruwof so dwenidg. Dwoul nors,pe wlysaa 'wntas who oen oyu be eht,re gtuohht. Seh hse 'swnat os ondw enev tle htta intevdi uoy truh uyo lteopymlec dna. Earstngr a uoy nwo is she ot. .
.
Godo rae dan one cioopanuaclt a teitparsh, an oyu. Yuo yrou bjo loev. Eneb pthyrasccii evha okrw psto het flnliya nrgwaie a to wolalde ni olsahpti samsk stfaf wk,ee d,an uoy isht. Lliw hgouth am,onlr tdrenuer eb hwo ti veenr eth ti asw yeacxlt ofeerb to sah yranle odwrl. .
.
Uyo rae htsi 72 wndeeke. ()! yuro to ktgani laondp blctreeea oyu to ahsnudb is. Rae leki ot vwheerer raeltv oyu you refe. Teh you pma,c tte,midea tlsil gmy uyro alos a ylecc, og yuo to you iwht oyu wkee denfisr tceiw ubt. Orfef it ot nda sah pu so ear eopn venegyriht you ot eedopn ash eht oldrw gna,ia. Hte a too a tlo, dmipenca utb ktoo olt it avge oyu. Lief aefedt si tr,sho is lefi thgernyeiv ouy kmase it ,ouy ehwolritwh thta connta uroy vleo oehdws nad afre. .
.
V,ole lots of.
.
Eutrfu ,you.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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