A letter from May 15th, 2020

Time Travelled — almost 3 years

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It's been 2 months since we went into lockdown. The world outside is empty. Tumbleweeds blow through Time Square. The Sidney opera house is silent. The Mona Lisa has to make do with small snippets of attention from a passing security guard who, frankly, isn't convinced she's all that. The only places still bustling are Intensive Care Units. We still don't know when it's all going to end, and my anxiety is mounting. I'm almost paralysed by it. It's impossible to know how much of my fear is altruistic... a kind of existential pain for a world that's suffering. The truth is, I think, that most of my anxiety is shallow, selfish. I'm upset I can't hug my mum, that she's in another country and it could be months, even a year, before I get to see her again. I'm worried that I'm too stupid or lazy to complete my dissertation. My Masters degree hangs in the balance. Complexities surrounding placements and Coronavirus mean that it could be another year before I'm qualified, and this uncertainty panics me. Beneath that is a fear that I'm not sure I even want to be qualified, and that beginning a career in the health service currently feels wholly overwhelming. In a way, the millions of ill and dead and destitute and abused show the folly of my petty worries. My privilege, my luck, to be young and healthy and pursuing a post graduate degree. But the fear still remains, a panic that my body can't forget no matter what my mind tries. I try to forgive myself, because I am unwell. Mental illness is a part of my story. Fear, dread, depression. Sometimes I find myself unable to move. Sometimes it turns into pain, nausea, fever, like my mind is overflowing and poisoning my body. But I meditate, and I breath through it, and I try to live a life that makes sense, that isn't about staying safe. I'm in love too. He squeezes me tight when it all gets to much. He moors me to the surface of the earth so I don't float away. He's something physical to touch. Something beyond the anxious uncertainty of social media with its unread messages and ambiguous emojis. I'm 24 next week. There's something to that. There's something powerful about knowing that time is still passing even as we're all standing still. I enjoy my birthdays. I'll drink champagne, and eat cake. I'll open gifts. I celebrate being as loved as I am. Being young, and beautiful, and being in love with a handsome man who fully embraces even my defects. I won't ask you any questions, future me, even though I have many. I'm sure I know all that I need to. I hope that you still meditate. I hope you are still in love. I hope you are filled with gratitude when you hug your mum. I suppose I am writing to remind myself that there is a future. Now, more than ever, glib remarks about apocalypse and the inevitability of ***** have become commonplace. It feels as if this virus has turned us all into Nihilists. But I believe in survival, kindness, and the human spirit. And I believe in you. Best Wishes, future you. xx

Epilogue

2 days later

Dear Past Me,

Thank you for your letter. The notification flashed up while I was on a treadmill at the gym. I felt shocked for a moment. It was like...

Deylpe rrebemem rngiahe rf,dnei ovdel tbu yuo aberyl chidholod can ocne oeesmno now a mfro. A tbu xecnereepsi ,me rae enno slse ubt me eht ghie,ltr you few. .
.
Wtna on 'tdno hte llte apalpcsyoe you rof owh to i drgegda lgon. I oyu ot i onl,tdw'u i uco,dl ohpe t'lwndou twna neve elos auebcse if. Teretb i wtan for ouy wnko ear atht it uowld yuo yuo btu adn ,drvevisu ot. Uyo ouy phayp ot htat rae owdul wtan konw i. .
.
Ynol 6 ergede leat eskwe you dfiihsen ruoy. 'swtna eyas ti. Uyor terlet fo in hte ryuo ingbnnisge i nmid ngceesori sonigl eulstb you. Rbeett feerob ogt rewso gto it it. A yoerfuls mrrori srneigedoc the uyo belyar ni rof weih,l. .
.
With raittsdinoes uoy ouyr inrgwti be ouy wehn ot spntear oyur ot ardeinl dmevo cakb rewe. To ti was thoerget rmfo asw for ,tbu darher ti rdha to be a awya hwie,l yruo eb yfoerbdni. Hatt to snimd ytenxai eroht strrgsaen ruo dngiur shtoe dhesdruo kndcwool ache we abmece eyhav ayds sreloseuv nda lcpeeltyom to os. .
.
Huthogr bene i,esmt awy teh ronergts ruo ve'we bcka, eevr anht hrad odnfu ew. 0022, he in oopedprs cebrdmee. Sa hsi noe yrea oyu rinaraenvsy rae aberielcgtn wefi ohntm oury xent. Is armigare. . . Elwl. . . I thnik you of sih yjo duloc lpobyiss i iw,fe eitrd enoft nto'd bnegi uhgtoh ialdy ganieim the vaeh oyu kwon. Anym so eplpoe uryo emt ton ahve oyu diwedgn eht ta fo ouefrldwn even. Oludw be ohw ttoghhu ayaswl opes,rn yuo one hrt,ee as'nwt. Vnee ehs wodn so dan rthu hes tle thta oyu viniedt uyo satnw' ellempotcy. Onw rgtnasre ehs is a oyu to. .
.
Neo ogdo irept,stah adn oyu aer na a ptlaocuocian. Bjo yuo voel uyro. Dlaloew dna, wrenagi ot orkw sskam tfsaf you csypctihria a tpos haev the aflyiln iltasoph hsit in nebe eke,w. Hte reevn febroe wlil ryaeln be ohhugt who ti saw sah ,aormnl ot cyeatlx lrwod rdtenrue ti. .
.
Sthi aer oyu kedeewn 27. Ouy to ecbleetar to igktna )!( olndpa is ryuo unsdhba. Ouy aer arltve fere ot you wreevehr lkie. Og ,cmap yuor to oyu ubt ekwe yuo ceycl, uyo maetdt,ei hte htiw uyo oals tlisl a gym iefdnsr cwtei. Eht lrowd it up ash oyu eforf denpeo iga,an ot era sha tveighyenr os ot poen nad. Too ti tlo tbu ,olt okto eht you a a aevg eidnapcm. Hot,rs edtfae ti voel oyu atth is lief aoncnt lfei rgnhyeeivt and yrou hrhwewolit ,uoy akmse deowhs is eafr. .
.
Oe,lv fo ltos.
.
Uyo, uurfte.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please


tamekagriffiths1995:

over 2 years ago

💕💕💕

cerna.bara:

over 2 years ago

I teared up reading your letter <3

It feels like a whole different life ago.

I hope you are doing amazing wherever you are - and whoever you are and is reading this.

We made it through <3

5w6h7vjtym:

over 2 years ago

This is the most emotional I’ve ever felt. You described perfectly how I was feeling when the world went silent.

mucadream:

over 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for updating. You’re a very good writer and I’m so happy things worked out well for you.

emarchuk477:

over 2 years ago

I have two words for this... Emotional, Inspiring.

Thank you for inspiring me.

www.namayranuba:

over 2 years ago

We did it luv! We made it! Hope you're happy. Thank you for holding on. I'm proud of you <"3

ayafk37:

over 2 years ago

I hope you graduated girl <3

biaroscoe:

over 2 years ago

loved that ✨ It translates many feelings all of us had been through

kate.johnston-zemek:

over 2 years ago

I have almost forgotten what lockdown felt like... It was so long ago!

cr106452:

over 2 years ago

thank you for sharing this, I honestly cried after reading, lock down was something that damaged us all... but we made it! we are all blessed to be alive aren't we! (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥

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