A letter from April 24th, 2014

Dear FutureMe, I still don't know why I'm writing this but I guess this is the best idea that I could come up with to deal with the feelings that I'm feeling right now. I feel so alone, unwanted even though I know that I have friends. Things are getting so hard that I don't think that I can really bare it anymore. I don't want to commit suicide, but if I'm in the middle of a road and there's a car coming, I'm not exactly sure if I would get out of the way. I crave the sweet feeling of happiness that Matthew gives me, he makes me believe that there is true happiness in the world, but I feel that all of that is being ripped away slowly and painfully by a person I once called my friend. I don't like this feeling. Not at all. I hope that you're doing well in the world since you're about to graduate in a few days, enjoy your last days at Nome-Beltz because once you walk across that stage, everything will change. You'll have to go through life without that friends that you had since elementary school. Let me tell you something about my old best friend. You'll know exactly who I'm talking about in a second. You were there for her whenever she needed it, but she is never there for you anymore because she found someone who makes a better friend than you. And it breaks your heart everyday that you see them all happy without you. Especially when her best friend is with the one you most care about at the moment. It's like cutting all over again, without the blades. Is it bad that I miss the feeling of cutting? I haven't done it since cheerleading about a month ago. I should be proud that I have gone this long without slicing my skin open, but somehow I miss the pain. It's a constant battle with wanting to cut but not doing so. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or a good soul. I just don't know. I'm sorry that this letter is full of random things but these are the things at are on my mind most often lately. Every now and then I think about Morgan and how the way he looks at Izzy, he used to look at me like that. I miss that. So much. I still can't listen to Can't Stand It by NeverShoutNever without sobbing. I can still feel the feeling I felt when he broke up with my two years ago. I guess you really do never stop loving your first love. Anyways, good luck with everything, future self. I hope you learn to love yourself. Love, Cydney 4-24-14