A letter from May 16th, 2012

Dear FutureMe, By this time all your A levels will be done you may have already have your results, I am not too sure though. A lot is changing around you right now, your house is up for sale the place where you have done the most of your growing up yet at this moment you feel no attachment just a string of bad memories that haunt you every time you go into a room. I wonder if you have moved into a new place by now? I want it to be on the sea front Bexhill or Hastings I am not fussy, just to be next to that ocean would be nice. That seems far away from now yet it is only three months away and at the rate of change that has been happening recently I wouldn't be surprised if you were somewhere completely new or doing something you would have never dreamt of doing before. For example, if you asked me one year ago if I would ever bleach my hair I would say no, however I sit writing this with blonde(ish) tips of my hair and a red fringe, which was not supposed to happen.. The reason why I am writing this is because in less that two days time I am taking my English exam and never before in my life have I ever had to be worried about English until now. I am yet to even look at my English notes because, in all painfully truthful honesty, I hate it. Every new word we have had to learn, every text we have analysed, the pure layout of the course and not forgetting the poor excuse for teachers. It has got to a point where I doubt whether I can write anything any more, or atleast anything of worth when one teacher speaks like they are from south London and the other swears so much I have now become desensitised to it. What they lack is passion, when they teach it is with such monotony that I have developed this curse of feeling nothing, becoming this analytical robot with no thoughts or feelings about a subject just writing for the pure intention of being rewarded marks. But there are moments where I feel the utmost clarity and it seems to seep through my body, the simplest things like a pure ray of sunshine after a rainstorm making the pavement glisten can trigger a sudden epiphany and suddenly life makes sense. Unfortunately it is short lived and the hardest part of being on a high is tumbling back down again because even though you may not have gone any lower than you may have been before it feels like you are 10 ft deeper into the ground whilst the gap gets narrower. I worry for you, what the future holds. I hope that when you are in your time you are not as worried, but in all reality I know there will be new problems you are battling now- it has become evident that it is a part of life. If I can wake up everything morning and say to myself 'everything will be okay' then maybe, just maybe, it will be. Love from your past self, take care.