The lonely feeling

Dear FutureMe, The familiar lonely feeling is creeping up in me again. I just want someone to be completely fascinated in me, ask all sorts of the right questions and look at my museum room with the upmost care. And they should be fascinating too.Sometimes I think of suicide but my heart is not really into it. I only think about it because all the other kids do.I wish you were more like me in the way that you would miss me as much as I miss you and you would love the world as much as I do. I like what I look like. I love fall mornings with the pitter-pat of bare feet on cool kitchen tile and breathing in pure air while wearing a cardigan and making tea. That effortless gracefulness that comes with seeing the sun sometimes and lingering in the last pocketful of warm air and a blaze of colored leaves. The worry of school work but always getting it done in your spare time when you are not closing your curtains earlier and turning your fan off because you are cool enough. The new love of nature with thoughts like, "Why have I never gone outside before?" Gloves, socks, jackets, grey skies and blue eyes. Lattes, hopes. All just for a small precious time, making it even more precious because it is Limited Edition, Rare, Collectable Nostalgia. The song Norwegian Wood running up and down your spine as you hold hands for warmth and smile when you see strangers. Sitting on wooden chairs with blankets watching the leaves go is what triggers a large portion of the lonely feeling to come. That and the rain. Harsh but mellow. You cannot help but sprawl out on your bed during busy times because burning your fingers on tea-bags and eating more sugar is not fun anymore. You become an insomniac even though you never feel awake. And still the lonely feeling drives you to feel like you are lacking, like your relationships are lacking even though you still do love yourself and people and you still strive to be smart and an artist but somehow it seems too distant to be real for you. The lonely feeling is a fog, a memory of hugs to be and an ache for the way love should be. Empty streets, Early mornings with sleep and iritability still in your eyes, halls of uncaring strangers. You remember everything you know, about what beauty is and how wonderful things are but the lonely feeling clogs up your main-brain space with needs that do not ever become satisfied. And you sludge through, sluggish with a full stomach to try to fill some voids, but you still think about your hollow heart and you long for more. more, more, unaware that it is your selfish needs that are making you lonely. You will never be happy with a list of things you want, material or otherwise. Has this happened to you?